Tetibe Gayat

 When i was young, younger than now.. i was thrilled at being at high places. It gave me some kind of boost of adrenaline. I was daring, courageous, i was a hero in my mind for being able to step on a higher ground. 

But i don't know whether it was lack of exercising this 'feeling', but i became more and more scared of heights. I was confused by this sudden fear. 

Years ago i went to Kellie's Castle in Ipoh. It was just a regular building but the highlight was the open roof. 

Photo source: here

Photo: here

So you see how this brader can manage a skip on the open roof?

I couldn't even stand straight when i was there. 

I was bending my knees to lower my gravity's center, walking like a crab towards the other side (which has no railings ye...). However, from the middle tu, i was army crawling ok. My husband, then boyfriend uhuks, walked like normal tau! siap berdiri at the edge with his toes betul-betuuuuuul at the side!!!!

I dah laugh-cry dah masa nampak dia berdiri situ. Seriau gilaaaaa!! TAPI muka dia mak aiiihh.. lekk je. Siap offer tangan nak bawak i tepi tu. I dah la army-crawling kan, ngan air mata turun tanpa segan, tapi gelak macam orang gila. Apa la masalah i...

But it was a tell-tale sign. Of the future me.

Yesterday i went to Next Gen kat OU and there was a small rock climbing section, only for big kids and grown ups. 

I did PKN ok. I was a champion at all this climbing stuff. I was.

And i knew i had changed, but i still needed to challenge myself to see how far i can take myself from fear. I went at the 'beginner section' and as i was climbing, i was ok. I went straight up to the top, not even bothering about how high i was because i was focused at my strength. I tapped the bell at the top, and now, all i had to do was let go and swing down. 

I couldn't. I looked down and my legs became jelly. So i climbed down a bit, looked down, the man down there said "Lepas je kak! Takpe! Lepas je!", but i shook my head and climbed down a bit more.

I looked down again, and there he was still "Lepas je kak! Takpe!". So i listened because my jelly legs couldn't move anymore and i let go. And i screamed like an idiot while descending. The funny part was, my legs tau pulak nak push the wall bila i got close to it! My reflexes from the PKN days were still there, alhamdulillah.

Bila my butt touched the ground (because my legs gedik), i was shaking. A bit teary too. But i was determined to try on the other side, the normal rock climbing section with those rocky bits.

I climbed again, focusing on my strength. I think i only did 3/4 of it because bila i kena move my feet to a small rock, i caught a glimpse of how high i was and again, my legs became jelly. My arms pulak not strong enough to pull me up. Thus... I was stuck. I wanted to finish the climb and kept trying to pull my leg up to another rock but dia tanak dengar. 

So i was at the wall, my arms shaking dah tak boleh tahan and then.. i let go. 

I fell and this time i landed on my back (gently & softly). The tears just flowed and my arms and legs were not mine. 

I was like this.

I don't remember what happened, like how my harness and helmet got off, but i gained consciousness when my daughter came to me and hugged me. I macam 'eh??', but she kept saying encouraging stuff but i was laughing je and crawled out of the rock climbing area. My daughter knows when i'm scared shitless, seeing the many times i go into panic mode. 

And now, i think i know where my fear lies. It's not being at high places. It's the fear of free falling and fear of other people free falling too. I cannot stomach seeing my kids go to the edge of ANYTHING even if there're railings, safety stuff, whatever, JUST NO.

I just panic. Tears, dropping on my knees.. it's a whole drama. 

I guess as we all get older, we become more hypersensitive to things that can harm us and our loved ones, so it became like a traumatic response. It catches up on us without us knowing.

So be careful la ya yang daredevil sangat tu. Remember your loved ones if you don't find your life that precious k?

Ugh. Gerun.