Ay Yes Am Are~

Long time ago, i think it was 2 years ago?.. I first heard of ASMR from sis Sue Anna Joe.
And that.. was the beginning of a whole new adventure for my hearing sense 😂

Back then, it started out with eating aka MUKBANG.
You'd see all this people eating ridiculous amount of food, some ate gracefully, while most ate, rather... barbarically? Hahaha! Macam too strong pulak barbaric 😝
But if you've watched enough, you know what i mean kan?
Macam krakkrukkrakkruk, chomchompchomp, sluuuuuurrrrrrrppppppp bapak punya exagerrate sampai i dengar pun terliur liur sebab as barbaric as it was, it did sound soooooo gooooddd!

And so many of these mukbang videos have MILLIONS of views!!
Means, i'm among those millions that would watch and salivate, and sometimes, we would look for those food just to try and see if it's really as good as they seem 😂

Nowadays, there are many types of ASMR, from making crafts, even makeup tutorial, cooking etc etc.
And i made an ASMR video just for fun with my skincare products! 😆

I'm not good at it really, but it was fun trying anyway heheheheehee

All products are available at www.marzea.com

Here are some of my ASMR recommendations!

I love how it looks simple to make and cute, but in reality, i will never ever make them 😂

The drink one ni best dengar sebab the clinks of the ice and the flowing water, macam best jeeeeee. Dah la glass cups dia cute cute!
Makes you feel like you wanna make one for yourself kan? For me yang non-coffee drinker rasa cam nak minum coffee lak 😋


Hope you guys have a great day ahead! And relax your mind & soul with some of these soothing ASMRs hehe!

It's like a..

The other day when we picked up nadrah & isaac from school, nadrah wanted to explain her bracelet she got from her friend.

Nadrah: Ummi, look. It's like a.. 

Ummi & abah: paranoid looking over my back 

Nadrah: No! It's like a... 

Ummi & abah: whirlwind inside of my head 

Nadrah: NO!! It's like - 

Ummi & abah: CAN'T STOP WHAT I'M HEARING WITHIN! 😂😂😂 HAHAHA!

showing off her bracelet 😸

// in case you don't know, they're lyrics to Linkin Park's Papercut//

My Korean Learning Journey

Hewwo!
I haven't officially stated it, but now i am i guess.
It has been a year since i've started learning korean weee~

Honestly, i didn't want to tell people about it because it's my own choice and journey and i just don't want to have to answer to questions, like why, where, how, blablabla.
I don't want to feel like i have to prove myself or anything.
People usually have some kind of prejudice with people learning korean because of the entertainment industry, namely, kpop.

But let's not go there. I just like learning the language and i'm also self-studying mandarin.

Learning a new language is really a new kind of learning. Since i started doing this in my 30s, i realise that it's hard to let go of what i know to absorb new stuff. For example, learning new grammar forms (and korean is completely different from malay & english!😭), i can't just accept it for some reason. I subconsciously reach out for ways to tie it to what i know.

Now that i'm used to it already, it's ok la. But still, even a year later, i am still crawling.

Mandarin pulak.. i started it quite recently but my brain is still not adjusted to the tones and characters.

Oh well 💁

Even though it's not easy, i definitely am enjoying it, which is why i can stick to it for this long.
Also, through learning other languages, my love for malay grew.

Kita punya bahasa cakap & bahasa tulisan punya la lain sampai i rasa kalau orang luar nak belajar bahasa malaysia, mesti susah nak faham bahasa cakap kita. Baca buku ke, tulis ke tu agak senang. Grammar pun takde hal la kot.
Cuma kita ada all this: kan, kot, ek, nya, lah, etc, yang tak boleh nak explain kat buku sebab dia lebih kepada emosi. It's very interesting!

I don't really know how many people in malaysia who are currently learning korean, but if you are, high five!

Whatever the reason you're learning it for, who cares. It's a cool skill and i respect polyglots!

Anyway, i just wanted to share the materials i use to help me with practicing korean.

Since i don't have any korean speaking friend, my good friend is myself and books, like these ones:

News In Korean, Easy Korean Reading For Beginners, Real Life Korean Conversations For Beginners and Real Life Conversations: Intermediate. These books are from TalkToMeInKorean but if you want to buy it (with quicker postage), you can get them HERE.

As of now, i consider myself at pre-intermediate level, which means, i can read hangeul, i can understand easy sentences, but i cannot speak properly. Still struggling with that because to speak, i need to know a lot of vocabs, and my problem is, i tend to translate what i want to say, so grammar wise when speaking - horrendous. 😑

This is embarrassing to share, but here's me practicing my reading & speaking using the book Real Life Conversations for Beginners:

When i contemplated about learning korean, i googled and watched so many people on youtube with their "korean learning journey" and they made it seem so easy and fast!
I remember a few of them said they can speak after 6months and i was like "WOW! If it's that fast, then YES PLEASE!".

Little that i know... I think for people who know mandarin, vocabulary would be easier to remember. But for me, dah la slightly dyslexic, memang berpinar pinar segalanya hehehe!

I also forgot to factor in my life, like kids, business, family, so i can't really give 6 hours a day to studying 😂 Thankfully with these books, i can pick up things albeit slowly. Slowly but surely!
Just recently i was watching When The Camellia Blooms, i was pleased to know that i can understand some of the things they're saying without looking at the subs.
I can even detect the difference between the subs and what was really said. Rasa cam "waaahhhh not bad, not bad!".

A small achievement for me bahahaa!

Learning a new thing can be very scary at first, but if we can be patient, be diligent and have strong intention, inshaAllah one day, we'll be like "eh eh! I can do this pretty well!".
We're never too old to start and we'll never know our capabilities if we never try.

If you have something you've been wanting to do since long time ago, whether it's language, or painting, or craft making, cooking, swimming, whatever it is, go on and do it =)
Plan your time and finances properly. InshaAllah boleh!

All the best to you all! Let's rekindle our fire 💓

ps:in case you're wondering.. my skin is by www.marzea.com 

Ketumbit lyfe

Kelmarin mata i rasa uncomfortable. Macam bengkak bengkak feeling.
Told my husband about it and that's it.

Yesterday when we were talking, suddenly husband kata
"Ohhhh you ada ketumbit?"

I pun macam "ha ye la kot sebab semalam rasa cam bengkak", pastu terus check kat mirror.
Yup, ketumbit.

Husband kata "you tengok apa ni? you tengok sape berak?"

I pun jawab la "i tengok anak you la berak".

And he was like "......"

And i was like "ye la. si isaac tu tanak berak, so i paksa dia, pastu betul dia berak"

And why was i looking at him pooping? Because i'm potty-training my son and he's always denying when he needs to go and do his business or peeing.
It's so strange how i have an instinct for his bowel movements 😅
I just know when he needs to go and sometimes i have to force him, put him on the potty and look him in the eyes and tell him to poop/shishi 😂 If i don't do it, nanti dia kencing/berak all over the floor and then i have to clean it up.
I'd rather not.

Now that i'm putting this down, it sounds so ridiculous kan?

The things i do to educate my kids! Hahahaha!

So kalau nampak mak-mak mata ada ketumbit, it's not because dia ngintai sesape.

It's probably coz she gotta do what she gotta do 😂

Unsocial media

Weee!

Ok last weekend i was invited to share about my life (managing business & family) at an event on motherhood.

I learnt a lot from other speakers too!

I hope i punya sharing tu ada la benefit dia.

Hehe..

Anywayz.

I understand that a lot of moms struggle with time management. How to balance family, work and self? Sometimes it can be so overwhelming and it can affect our mental, emotional, spiritual and physical self.

I was there and even now, i have my "system of a down" state once in a while. Only difference is dulu i couldn't cope with it, but now i can bear it better and can bring myself out of that state without shattering to small pieces.

It was when i saw this quote:

"Are you happy or distracted?"

It's so easy to be distracted these days when our distraction comes from our charged phone and internet.

I kept saying that we need to know ourself blablabla but how much of myself am i really being when i was online a lot looking at instagram and looking at other people living their lives?

SO. I took it upon myself and did this experiment to see how social media affects my life. My objectives were:

1. To know if i am truly being myself or if i was influenced.

2. To know how i live my life without the "distraction".

3. To know if i am happy or distracted.

And so i started it around august last year. What i set out to do were:

1. Don't open instagram & facebook often, especially my personal instagram since i was more active there. Limit to once a day, only for 15minutes.

2. Don't need to update unless i want to and when i have to. 

3. Try to create real memories and not just go through life thinking of materials for 'content'.

It was difficult at first because i was addicted to instagram. Not opening it while cooking, waiting in the car when the traffic light was red, while waiting for my kids, while watching tv, while wearing my shoes, omg. I was looking at it more than i realised! You'd think that looking at your instagram is like 5 minutes thing but when you accumulate the times you're on it, BUDDUMTUSHHHH!

LAMA OK!

The withdrawal of not looking at my instagram was like an itch i couldn't scratch. Gatal je tangan nak tengok!

But i always ask myself, "nak tengok apa? apa kat instagram tu yang you nak sangat tengok?"

It took a while, but it worked hehe!

After about 2 weeks of not opening my instagram, it got easier and easier. Suddenly i wasn't looking on my personal account and see what other people are doing or sharing for weeks.

And now, after about a year of not obsessively addictively opening my instagram, i can now see how it affects my life.

So back to my objectives.

1. To know if i am truly being myself or if i was influenced.

= I was taken aback by how much of myself i was NOT being because i was unaware of how influenced i was by others. For example, i see someone using a mop yang macam canggih pastu tetiba i also want that mop, padahal my mop is good enough already 😅

Or, yang paling in common with moms, comparing other kids with ours. "why anak xxx boleh jalan at 5 months, but anak i merangkak pun belum?" - contoh je.

And then kita stress rasa pressured and probably wondered if there's something wrong with our kids or am i an incompetent mom? 

Eventhough i've said before that we should follow people or pages that can affect us positively, add values in our life, but i cannot deny too that i strayed more than i realised to see what other people were doing. Secara tak sengaja! From kononnya nak cari recipe, tetibe tertengok entahpape 😑

Taking myself away from instagram allowed me to influence myself. Make my own opinions without being influenced by other people's opinions, have my own perspective, and listen to what i want to listen, read what i want to read, watch what i want to watch - everything; with more freedom.

2. To know how i live my life without the "distraction".

= Without being obsessed over instagram, i have been able to do things i've always wanted to do but had forgotten. I had more time to think, use my braincells, to learn and to do more! Before, i always thought i didn't have much time. Well... That was because i was using my time to look on instagram and looking at other people living their lives instead of looking and living my own. I was busy looking for "motivation", "inspiration", that i've wasted those times when instead i could have just figure my life out and do something about it.

Now i can manage my time and i've been using it to do the things i've been wanting to do. Of course i couldn't do it all, but it's all in my plannings! 

Perhaps some of you would think "yeah that's all good and stuff, but i can't just travel (it's what i've always wanted to do!) coz i have kids and where can i get the money?? Time lagi! We don't get no holidays!".

I feel yah sistah!

That's why kita buat apa yang realistically kita boleh buat sekarang, and if you're into learning something new, there's always something online you can get for free or with little fee. Ada je! You want to work from home pun boleh! Just google for work at home jobs, part time jobs, whatever jobs and see if you can do something. Then, inshaAllah when our kids have grown bigger, they're more responsible, by then we have these set of skills, knowledge, credibility (and money!) to pursue our dreams and ambitions. InshaAllah 💓

3. To know if i am happy or distracted.

= I was distracted most of the time. I didn't want to face my own reality, so i distract myself from what's stressing me out. It's the easier and most safest way isn't it? But it's not really good la. Sebab problems memang akan surface once in a while, and i had to face it rather than tai chi-ing it sampai tak settle settle. 

Dulu i wasn't aware because it was automatic. Rasa stress je, online. Rasa worry, online. Bukak instagram tengok all this motivational successful people to be motivated and stuff but in the end, i didn't try hard enough. I just macam naik semangat, pastu sambung rutin harian 😅

Now, when i'm stressed, i try to work things out, and yes, i still do procrastinate, tapi at least i can say i'm happy when i am happy, and i'm stressed when i'm stressed. Awareness or kesedaran ni paling penting. So when i'm stressed, i give myself a timeline to be stressed, and after that, i have to find solutions. This is the hardest part for real heheee.. 

Honestly now, i have more real memories and i cherish real life. I value live communications and conversations than likes or hearts. I don't shop impulsively anymore and i don't feel pressured to look and be a certain way. I'm more confident with myself because i know what i wear, what i want to do and why i'm doing it is because of my own deliberation. My choices and decisions were made with my own research and considerations. 

HOWEVER! That doesn't mean i don't want to hear other people's opinions! I still do like to know from different perspectives. It's just that i don't take people's word blindly, and i will try to be aware of my own reasonings. 

It's really easy to be swayed by other people and the sad part is, we don't realise we're being swayed.

The downside of being away from social media is that i don't know what's happening most of the time. News kat tv pun tak tengok, so i rely on my husband and radio to keep me updated. Also, my social life is now very kosong sebab i tak social kat social media 😂 Earlier stage of the experiment, i felt so empty & lifeless because i depended on feeling alive on instagram. Bongok kan? Tapi it's the truth. When i wasn't online, it felt like no one remembers me. It was sad......

Now i'm so over it! I pun faham people are busy raising their families and have stuff going on in their lives. So who am i to kisah kan sebab i pun camtu 😀

We always see and hear people say "be you", "be true to yourself", "be different", "be unapologetically you" etc etc.

But seriously.

How much of you are you truly being if you're influenced by others and don't even notice it?

How much of your life are you living when your time is spent scrolling through other people's lives?

How can you be happy when you're comparing yourself with others?

How can you commit your time to yourself, family, life when you're committed to distractions?

How can you inspire or encourage your kids to "be true to you" when you don't even know how to be yourself?

We can have some time. As much as 15 minutes pun cukup each day to make our lives be more meaningful and purposeful.

We can!

Just like how our kids grow, we need to grow too. We don't ever stop growing. Nadrah always ask me questions and when i say i don't know, she'll be like "how can you don't know? You know everything!". And as usual, i will answer "i know some stuff more than you, but i'm still learning! You never stop learning la".

Hope she'll understand that the search for knowledge never ends =)

I am not saying that you (my precious readers) to quit social media-ing!

You do you! I'm sure as adults you pun have your ways on doing things kan 😊 I'm just sharing the results of this "experiment". 

It has been a year =')

Cepat betul masa berlalu..

And thus is the end of this super long post.

CAKCAK! 

Muka tak malu

"Are you judging me?" face.

Atau "Ya Allah silau nya tak nampak" face.

....

Ok bai

My 6yo Daughter is a Tween

Before i had kids, i thought having kids would be all fun and laughter.

Eventhough i have brothers, still, i thought MY own kids would be different.

They'll be the awesome-est, fun-est, happiest kids!

Coz they're MINE.

Until i had kids.

Buahahahaha!

I mean, yes they are fun and happy and funny cuddly cute widdle wushumyumyuaiyuuuyuuu

and then when something goes wrong, EVERYTHING blows up.

Maybe it's just my kids, i don't know actually.

So yesterday, Nadrah had her gym class, and i purposely took her and isaac an hour and a half earlier because i knew she will sleep in the car, and if i had to wake her up too soon, she'll be cranky.

Strategy.

Or so i thought..

Then woke her up, went to her gym class, and she started behaving like a.. an irrational person.

aka cranky.

I tried talking nicely to her, and she just straight up being rude to me, so i gave her time off (like biar je dia tak layan dia). In the class, she started not participating with her friends, and i got annoyed.

The teachers and her friends cuba pujuk dia gak, and after almost half an hour, and dia still macam tu,

apa lagi.

Balik je la.

So we all went home~

Anyway, yesterday i wasn't feeling so well.

Tapi as a mom, we can't really do anything about that, can we? Still have to cook food, control kids, etc etc.

I was annoyed and tired, and when we got home, Nadrah was just entahpape.

Yes, that's how much she doesn't love me.

She made this and practically shoved it in my face.

Walaupun hati berkecai kecai, penat, sakit, annoyed, apa nak buat?

Buat dek je la.

Pastu sebab dia still nak lepas geram, dia gi buli adik dia.

Haih.......

Kids are just a big crazy mess to figure out. They can't control their emotions and they don't know why they're acting a certain way, and they don't know how to read social behaviours.

We parents know that, we know!

We understand that it's not their fault and still we have to teach them.

Over and over and over again.

You hear songs about people getting heartbroken from their partners kan. Probably because they haven't been hurt by their kids 😂

Nadrah is only 6 years old.

Already she's acting like a tween.

Macam mana laaaaa nanti bila dia dah teenager 😰

I'm scared for the irrational parts to come out on a different level.

How to get rid of Hasad

Assalamualaikum everyone!

After so many times being asked about how to not compare, not feeling insecure, not being jealous of others, dan sewaktu dengannnya, i think it's best for me to just make a post about this.
That feeling you feel when you look at others and then start comparing them to you, is called Envy.
Envy is Hasad.

ENVY (noun)
- a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck.

So maybe you taknak acknowledge yang you sebenarnya tengah dengki dengan orang lain. That's fine. I tak cakap you salah or whatever pun.


But if you know that you have this 'feeling', and you don't like feeling it, you're ashamed of it and you want to stop it, then come. I'll try to help you as much as i can.

Please read this excerpt:

Purification of the Heart

By Hamza Yusuf

I am not an expert, and i'm not saying my methods are 100% suitable for everybody.
I'm sharing this from my own experience and i hope that it can somewhat help you, or inspire you to find ways to help yourself.

In the end, it is all up to you.

1. Of course, most importantly, talk to Allah about it.

In your doas, in your sujud, in the car, when you're all alone, when you're feeling it because that person is in front of you or appeared on your timeline, or contacted you, anytime and as many times as you can, talk to Allah about it.

It can be as conversational as you'd like, or in doa form.

For example:

"Ya Allah, please help me. I am feeling such hasad for *name*, and i hate that i'm feeling like this. I don't want to feel this because i want to be a good person, someone worthy of Syurga Firdaus. I want to be able to talk/see/etc with *name* without feeling any ounce of envy. Help me Ya Allah, You know me better than I know myself, so help me get over this test successfully"

Amiiin!

Thing is.. Most times our emotions come without being summoned. And it is unfortunate that it has to be an ill-feeling..

Anyways, when you're alone, in a safe space, talk (as in with your normal voice ok, not just bisik bisik) with as much sincerity and honesty. Allah SWT doesn't judge you, so don't have to worry about that. Talk until your heart hurts from the pain of hating feeling envious of others. Tell Him that you're ashamed of it. Tell Him that you want to stop that feeling. Tell Him that you hate it too for feeling it. Talk until your eyes water. 

2. Amalkan baca surah Al-Falaq.

Try to hafal (memorise) the meaning of this surah.

As you can see, this surah is already a template for doa to Allah to help remove 'the evil of which He created'.

When in your solat, one of the first rakaat, recite this surah. And when you recite, do it knowing what the ayat means. This also helps with khusyuk.

Of course you can also recite this whenever that feeling comes. 

3. Doa for the person.

I believe that this is very hard for you, isn't it? You tengah insecure/jealous dengan orang tu, nak doa baik baik pulak untuk dia! 

Haha! But seriously though. Make doa for that person.

For example:

"Ya Allah, please shower *name* with Your blessings. He/she/them are happy so please give them eternal happiness dunia akhirat. Protect them from the evils of the world and forgive them. Forgive me too ya Allah for my hasad. Save me from this feeling."

Amiiiin!

Here's why i suggest this::

Rasulullah s.a.w bersabda, maksudnya:

“Doa seorang Muslim untuk saudaranya yang dilakukan tanpa pengetahuan orang yang didoakannya adalah doa yang akan dikabulkan. Pada kepalanya ada seorang malaikat yang menjadi wakil baginya, setiap kali dia berdoa untuk saudaranya dengan sebuah kebaikan, malaikat itu berkata ‘aamiin dan engkau pun mendapatkan apa yang ia dapatkan.’

Basically, when you pray for someone else, you're praying for yourself.

So pray good things for others, and inshaAllah you'll get the benefits too. It's a win-win situation!

But do it with sincerity. It is hard at first, but what test isn't?

Do it until you can look into that person's eyes and feel nothing & can be genuinely happy for them.

4. Try to control yourself.

Yes you depend on Allah to help you, but you too must help & save yourself.

If this person is on your virtual world, you can always opt to "mute" them. Unfollow, delete, or hide. Whatever it is, you can just hilangkan that person from your online world.

But if this person is in your physical world, then there are 3 options.

a) avoid the person. Just for a while, and please don't do it so obviously. I mean... you're already hating yourself for having this feeling, why make other people hate you too? And whatever it is, please do not involve other people in this. Jangan pulak membawang, mengutuk orang tu, just because hearing other people being on your side makes you feel good about yourself. Also, jangan sibuk hal dia. Don't ask people about their updates, or whatever. Just don't cari pasal please.

Starve yourself from any "bawang material". You don't need those.

Camane nak jawab kat Allah nanti? You ask for help but you slander that person.

b) tell the person about it. If you're the confrontational type, that is. 

c) If it's family, camane nak avoid kan? It is difficult.. but you have to act as if you're ok. At the same time, pray in your heart. Don't think you're being hypocrite. You're trying to overcome this problem, not making it worse.

5. Practice being grateful. For others & for yourself.

You know kan, if you can't feel grateful with your own state, look at people who have less.

If you are able, try to do volunteering works, or just get involved with charitable stuff. If you're not able, then just follow charity channels or instagram or twitter. 

When you see people who have lesser than you, pray for them and remember to be grateful for the things you have. If let's say these things are really not your 'thing', then just look at yourself. Your eyes, be thankful that you can see, that your eyes can adjust to different light settings without your conscious command. Your hands. Your fingers. You don't have to command your fingers to move pun. You just subconsciously move it according to your thinking. Isn't that already, MashaAllah? Like there are people in this world who don't have limbs but still have done so much in life. Who are we to compare with others when what we have is considered a luxury?

So practice being grateful, even if the things seem menial to you.

When you shift your attention to being grateful, inshaAllah that envious feeling will be less powerful.

That's all i can think of now.

I hope this can help you!

Remember that this part of your struggle is a jihad. 

In case you forgot, jihad means "the spiritual struggle within oneself against sin".

Also remember that it takes time. Be patient and don't stop. Teruskan berjihad!

If you're reading this and think "apa la diorang ni.. ada hasad dengki. tu la. melayu memang" atau sewaktu dengannya, stop. Just stop. Allah akan uji sesiapa pun dan bila bila masa. Just because you have not been tested, does not mean you won't be tested. Perhaps you are being tested but your ego is in the way of realising that you have a problem.

In any kind of problem for that matter, do not ever belittle others about it.

I hope that by trying these out, your heart will soften and you will be successful.

For you to want to change, is already a good start. My prayers are with you!

May Allah guide you, make you successful dunia akhirat, protect you from the evil within you and around you, and may Allah make it easy for you. InshaAllah~