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Wednesday, August 17, 2022

Belum Sampai Tahap lagi

 "Please maam, i need some money to buy medicine", said this foreigner man to me.

I was casually looking at books at the concourse of IPC (Popular was having a sale for their stuff there) with no intention to buy anything to indulge myself in, rather, i was looking for illustrated books my 9 year old could enjoy. I didn't have that much money as it was the end of the month so i was very calculative with how and what i plan to spend on.

So when this man came up to me and showed me his bag of urine attached to his body underneath his shirt, my mind was racing.

Why the hell is this man coming up to me? 

I looked around and sure enough, i wasn't the only one there. There were loads of people, and somehow, i was the "chosen one".

He was explaining how he wants to buy medicine at watsons, and it cost this much this much, his foreigner IC, and he said some things but i wasn't listening that well. I was thinking how much i can spare for this stranger.

Then i looked into my purse.

Yes, i wanted to help him. If the roles were reversed.... desperate times calls for desperate measures, i guess, so let's just help out. Lagipun, charity to others will come multifold back to me, so in a way, i won't lose anything - was what i thought.

I gave him my RM20, thinking it should be enough, and it's a lot, considering commonly people would give their smallest change kan.

And then..... he asked for more, saying it's not even half of the cost of 1 of his medicines.


The audacity. I was shocked by how blatant this guy is, and how shameless of him to ask for more!

I looked into my purse again, and i saw i had a few more changes, a RM20, RM5, RM1s, honestly i don't remember how much specifically i was giving him, but i made sure to save the last RM50 i had.

"DON'T COUNT, JUST GIVE!", i thought to myself. Tears were already gathering around my eyes.

When i gave him whatever amount, i just told him that i hope he gets better and entahape lagi i said, and silently prayed to Allah that this man would leave me alone.

Which he did, alhamdulillah.

But behind my mask, i was tearing up.

I was partially angry and partially annoyed at him. And most of all, i was really angry with myself.

When i went back to my car, i stripped off my mask, and let my tears fall. The thought of that man and my money consumed me so much that i had to let it all out.

It's pathetic when i think about it, but i was just angry at the whole situation.

As i was driving (which i find to be the best time to let out any frustrations, complains, irrational thoughts out because no one is around, and it's small enough space that i can hear myself well), i "talked" to Allah.

I begged for forgiveness because i was petty and berkira with my harta. I begged for Him to accept my charity eventhough my heart was not fully ikhlas. I begged him to turn my heart around so that i am ikhlas with my charity. I begged Him to make that man better so that he doesn't go around asking other people for money.......

I begged and asked for forgiveness because it's my fault. Being a housewife, i don't have much chances to help others, therefore, every time i pray, i ask Allah to give me opportunities to do good, to gain pahala, and yet, when the opportunity came, i wasn't ikhlas. In fact, i prayed that Allah would turn it away!

Oh, how hypocritical of me.... I really hate the word 'hypocrite', i hate it so much. But yet, the situation kinda revealed that i can be one. 

When it comes to harta, people can really lose their conscience... As much as we think we're not like that, that we're not as petty or kedekut, we're just not tested yet. Alhamdulillah though, i caught myself in 4K, HD, HiRes, how if i didn't know this about myself, i would've continued lying to myself, thinking i am above that. 

للّٰهُمَّ إِنِّي أَعُوْذُ بِكَ مِنَ الْكُفْرِ وَالْفَقْرِ وَعَذَابِالْقَبْرِ

Allahumma inni a'udzubika minal kufri wal faqri wa a'udzubika min 'adzabilqabri.

"Ya Allah, aku berlindung dari kekufuran, kemiskinan, dan siksa kubur." (HR. Ahmad, Nasa’i, dan Abi Syaibah)

Eventhough i know we all know that material things should be kept at our hands, not at our hearts so that we can let them go easily, i know we all know that, but it's easier said than done. I thought having a lot is harder than when you have little, but i guess both ways are difficult. 

In future, i hope that i (and you too) can be sincere in our charity and not doubt in Allah's ability. Whether we're cheated, whether our situation is good or not, or whatever it is, we must train our hearts to be sincere and trusting to Allah's plans. 
May Allah make us among the righteous, charitable, sincere people and allow us to enter Jannahtul Firdaus. Amiin~

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