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Monday, August 1, 2022

Please take a moment to explain yourself.

 I don't remember exactly when it started, but as of now, i dislike explaining myself. Not to the level of hating it, just dislike it. If level 1 is dislike, 5 is hate, i am at level 3 on explaining myself.

I think it happened because of instagram tau. Dulu masa instagram baru and very popular, i was in my mid 20s. Being that young too means that i shared a lot of personal stuff. I was non-the-wiser about what i can and should not share and show to others. 

Back then, our photos were quite heavily filtered and our poses were... 😅😂 oh the days of duckfaces, pouty lips, upper angles hamagahhhh

Anyway! Masa tu i pun baru la nak up kat dunia influencer ni...... Honestly, i like sharing stuff. That's what i'm doing now kan 🙈. I like it but what comes with the mass of attention is also mass of haters. Mass of people demanding me to explain my actions, my decisions. 

"Nape u buat camni? Boleh je buat camtu", "Nape tak buat camtu? You should've done this", dan sewaktu dengannya.

At first, i layan la. I fought. Even some other people came to my defense, which i am always and eternally grateful for. Thing about me is, when i want to explain myself, i have to take my time. My thoughts are not clear and organised when i'm under pressure, but biding my time also means it will take a lot of reflecting and thinking of an appropriate comeback, that my emotions will be all over the place. Anxiety, nervousness, anger, annoyed, and kalau betul sakit hati, tears will fall too. It wasn't worth it.

After a while, i decided to change and lower my ego. So when i need to, I tried explaining myself, i admitted that i was wrong, i applauded others for providing a better option/answer and so forth. I know that i am not that smart, but i'm also not that stupid. But it felt like some people love to be proven or acknowledged that their choices and stuff are the best. Who am i to take that simple pleasure away from them kan. Bukannya susah pun nak cakap "omo, you're right! Thanks for letting me know!". 

But you know la.. sometimes i tak cari pasal pun, pasal will come anyway. Benda sesimple simple nya pun boleh jadi hal, benda innocent pun boleh jadi trigger to something larger. Lama-lama, i just became 'malas nak layan' sebab i nak jaga hati diri & hati orang. Bila i sakit hati, bukannya orang nak datang pujuk ke apa pun kan (hehehehe!), and kalau i unintentionally hurt other people because i was too ignorant and egoistic, nanti camane bila kita mati? I pun nak masuk syurga.. 

So whenever i post something on ig, i tried to be as neutral as possible. Either make a statement-ish/quote post where no one can give their 2 cents, ask opinions where no opinions are wrong, or just a storytime post where we can all laugh and smile. 

Answering and explaining myself became such a bitter task. I'd rather just keep quiet and let the whole situation answer on my behalf. BUT answering/explaining for other things, i'm ok. Just not about my decisions.

For example, the other day i booked a doctor's appointment for my son's sunat, and told my husband about it. Pastu dia tanya kenapa tak buat masa cuti sekolah so that i don't have to think about how to pick up my daughter from school and whatnots. 

Like i said, answering/explaining myself became a bitter task, so i just "hehe huhu" je la kat dia. Tapi on the day of the appointment, when the doc asked me why i booked on such a day, i simply said "sebab nanti cuti sekolah mesti ramai orang" and alhamdulillah the doctor said "Betul la tu. Masa cuti sekolah sehari tu dalam 15 orang! Hehehuhu", thus backing my decision without me having to waste my saliva.

So there! I know i could've just said that to my husband but i just... malas. Sebab after one question, there will be another, and another... And to avoid any kind of disagreements, i just heeheehuhuu je la. Bimbo kan diri jap. Also free. Hehe!

I do this to everyone. Shopkeepers, scammers.. 😜

I always think that the best way to answer a skeptical and doubtful person is to let the situation answer itself.

Sometimes i doa la jugak. Doa banyak banyak so that Allah will make people understand our situation without us explaining ourselves. Alhamdulillah in one way or another, it happens. Sebab i explain panjang berjela pun tak guna kalau orang tu tanak percaya. But bila Allah nak ajar, fuh. Memang lekat la pengajaran tu inshaAllah =)


But i hope you, if you're reading this and think "ah, i should do this too!", i mean, it's not a bad thing, but don't overuse it la kot. Sebab i know my way of malas nak jawab ni annoys my family so much because they're more in my face than others kan. 

Imagine asking something to your friend, and then your friend just hehehuhu you je because dia malas nak jawab, but you need the answer because you want to understand the situation. Perhaps knowing the answers would help you take the right steps or whatever kan. Sakit hati kot! Haha! So berpada pada la ekkkkkk! 😇

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