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Saturday, May 23, 2015

sakit hati 2 hala


these past few months, i rasa i've been slapped across the face many times.

because i trusted people who didn't value me the way i value them.

when i was in school, i was backstabbed, betrayed, and been the object for gossiping, that i developed this kind of mask when i'm in public.
i built a wall, high enough that people won't know the real me, but low enough that we can still be friends.
i never wanted to have best friends, because that would mean they know things about me. my secrets, my pet peeves - basically things about me that they can use against me. i've been betrayed kan, so i don't ever want to go through the pain again. my so called bffs revealed my secrets, turned against me and somehow got people to hate me. which was really stupid and seriously, takde motif kot. macam bongok je buat camtu kan korang. huh. (sorry ter-emo pulak. but then this whole post is emo. huuuu)

ok, anyway, it took me seriously, a really really long time to open up again. i mean, to allow people to  know the real me. takde la lain sangat from the mask. but to open up and share my fears, hopes and dreams, things like that, it was really difficult kot dulu. alhamdulillah, now ok la.

now, these past months... i just found out that friends whom i thought were my real friends, have been talking behind my back, and using me.. and Allah je la tau.

since i masuk in this business industry, it's like i've entered a new realm.
there are sooooo many people who claims to build their business for some good-natured intentions, but their actions say otherwise.

and then tu la. they say they're friends with me, but then? talk behind my back and stuff. aiyo.
i thought benda ni zaman skolah je..

what's worse, i know they talked about me, gossiped about me, but i have to pretend i know nothing of it, and just act normal. padahal rasa nak nangis kot.

"i trusted youuuuu!!!" sambil pegang collar baju dia and shake dia back and forth.
"sampai hati youuuuu!" pastu lap hingus, and pusing and run masuk kereta.
 - what i feel like doing.
drama kan? hahahahaha!

i'm not used to this new realm. sebab masa belajar dulu, my friends and i were kinda straightforward. when i worked as an engineer, everyone was so frank, they tell you off in your face. tak-kuasa-nak-cakap-belakang kind of attitude. i remember masa keje dulu, if i don't like you, i make you know it, but that's it la. takde nak jatuhkan ke, nak buruk burukkan ke. respect tu masih ada la.

so that's why i feel like it's a big deal for me.

dalam masa yang sama....
when i found out what these people did behind my back, i got angry. and then, just a few nights ago, i was wondering if ever i did what they did to me.

have i backstabbed anyone? gossiped? did i reveal someone's secret?

sometimes we might have done something wrong too to deserve this. problem is, i don't remember.

and it's not just me. it's us all in general.

we can check other people's behaviour, their attitude, their sins, etc, but when it comes to us? it's like we hijab ourselves tau.

macam tak betul je.

contohnya si A kata "i tak suka si B tu. dia poyo je. cakap buat keje sebab ikhlas, tapi buat terang terangan so that orang puji. ikhlas la sangat."

padahal si A pun sama naik je. dia pun duk post gambar kat instagram, cakap "kitorang baru spend RMxxxx untuk tolong orang ni. moga Allah berkati usaha kami"

sama la kan? mengata orang, tapi tak check diri sendiri. that's what i mean when i said that we hijab ourselves..

sakit tu sakit la. tapi what to do? i pun takde la baik sangat. sebaik mana i try to be, i always fall and bruise myself because i tripped over my own words and actions. and thoughts. and feelings. oh gosh... being a female is so complex kan? baaaaaaaaaahahahah (gelak serious tak ikhlas)

so i'm sharing this as a reminder to myself and to all of you that, well.. as good as we try to be, sometimes we need those painful experiences to remind us that:
1. takyah bajet sangat laaaaaa! chill sudahhhhhh! - we're not that good.
2. we might've done something wrong unintentionally and accidentally.
3. the pain is a reminder to not do the same thing to others.
4. we need to be more careful with ourselves and the people we keep as company.
5. i should trust husband more. coz his instincts ni sometimes boleh diharapkan. bahahaha! - ni for me. =p

ummm.. so.. yeah.

astaghfirullah al adzim... may Allah forgive us all sebab kita buta when it comes to us...
nauzubillah min zalik... ya Allah tolong jauhkan dan lindungi kami dari penyakit hati...

i bet some of you dah lali kan benda ni? hebat sangat sebab korang boleh bersabar! may Allah reward you dunia and akhirat! sesungguhnya orang yang bersabar ni la dapat banyak reward kan!

i hope to be among the patient people. heeeeee.. it'll take some time la kot. but in sha Allah. =') wuwuuuu..

sorry for this ramblings. if you have any advice ke or things to share, you know i love to read them! sila sila =)
thanks for reading! and thanks for... you know... understanding =')

ps: title of the post is sakit hati 2 hala because i was initially hurt by what happened to me, and then i sakit hati ngan diri sendiri sebab sendiri pun tak betul. wahahahaa! pompuan. biasa lah. lagi complex dari shopping complex. =p


sealed said...

It's okay Kak Maria, we can't satisfy everyone in this world can we? As long as you know you've been an okay person as a whole, and that you've tried to be. If they still don't like you, then they're missing out on a lot of your awesomeness :D And believe me, you are awesome, kita semua sayang awaakkk. What's 5 people who don't love you compared to thousands of us who do? Hehe

Anis Shazreen said...

I'd read my friend's status saying that no matter how bad people treating us, just be kind to them bcz in the end they'll realize it was a mistake and by then it will be too late. At least we did a good thing to them kan?hehe well we gotta treat our enemy with kindness and we win! ;) sabar eh kak maria somehow i feel u so much..Allah tu Maha Adil dugaan yg Dia bagi tu ada nikmat Dia bagi jugak. Even bukan sekarang lambat laun kita nampak jugak kenapa Allah bg ujian ni. Dengan dugaan tu kita jd lebih dekat dgn Dia kan ^^ saya pun tak la baik sgt nak nasihat org lagi2 kak maria which i look up to so much tapi i feel mcm ckp kat diri sendiri jugak hekhek ;D so its a win-win situation haha be strong kak maria!! Allah tu tak pernah leka dengar rintihan hambaNya.Byk2 kan berdoa.. :)

Nurul Fatini binti Zulkifli said...

Be strong sista. Diorang buat macam tu mungkin sebab

1. Dia jahil. Dia tak tahu cakap belakang itu berdosa.
2. Dia lupa hukum cakap belakang itu haram.
3. Dia tahu hukum backbiting haram, tapi diorang tak dapat wisdom (or hidayah?) as wisdom is a gift from God, not from the books.

Yuyu Zulaikha said...

rilek akak. buat macam takde pape. mak cakap, kalau orang jatuhkan kita, atau sakitkan hati kita, rilek & doa je dorang dapat yang terbaik dalam hidup. saya sampai malas ada kawan baik. tapi baik je dengan semua orang :)

Aesyhrie Razak said...

We all feel the same. Girls, you know hahah. One thing that I always tell myself when I am so geram with someone, kita fikirkan kebaikan yg pernah dia buat kat kita. that should make you feel better. I mean it won't go as easy as that but it helps. Kalau kita asyik fikir kesalahan dia buat, smpai bila-bila pun tak settle. And yes, its just a matter of time. You'll be okay in shaa Allah :)

mijachan said...

All these while i have been holding to this....


Cheers! Dismiss those people. You still have those who love you more ;)

Unknown said...

I love that engineer just being frank with people atleast we know. I used to have friends that used me, talked about me at my back since high school. I just ignored that.

Just sabar kak Maria, maybe Allah want us to learn something. Maybe Allah nak kita jadi lagi baik. Allah is the best planner. Am writing this not just for you but at the same time telling myself to be patience.

Syafiqa Hatta said...


Hadapi dengan matang, Kak Mars.

Kun anta ;)

Unknown said...

life kan~

sometimes i juga feel ape yg akak feel

liyana said...

Salam kak maria, i have been in your spot a few times before. God knows how many nights i have cried alone because the pain is too much. i remembered back then when it happened, they managed to get everyone to think bad about me and hate me. the worse part is, the need to put the brave-face masks and prove to those people that it doesn't affect me. i had to go about doing things, smiling and laughing like sitting alone all the time doesn't bother me. how it happened is a too-long-story to tell. but believe me, what got me through is the fact that i know Allah will reveal who is wrong and who is not. At least, even if nobody knew, i know for a fact that Allah wouldn't put me in that horrible situation and just left me. And you know what, i am right :) It takes some time but it's worth it! Hugs from me kak maria.

Unknown said...

Salam kak maria. Saya penah jadi macam ni gak. A few months ago. Tak tahu nape tiba-tiba kawan pergi kelas tak ajak saya dan tak masukkan saya dalam group assignment. Time tu dah kena submit assignment. Saya struggle tanya group lain boleh tak saya masuk group diorang. Tapi dah terlambat. So saya tak buat assignment. Sampai la carry marks announced, i've got higher than them. Saya rasa lecturer ingat nama saya tercicir. Mujur lecturer tu memang jenis baik hati. Tak pernah marah. Alhamdulillah doa orang teraniaya ni Allah makbulkan =)

Maria Elena Zarul said...

ya Allah, thank you all for your lovely advices! and thanks for sharing them with me! in sha Allah, this experience can make us better. =)

you guys are the best! =')

SIRUSATS25 said...

Thank u for all your advices too!!!! Been there done that😊😊

Moon said...

Times will heal your heart..

Nurul Aziz said...

I experienced that mase uni dulu. MasyaAllah sakitnye sampai sekarang trauma taknak jumpa and tengok muka dorang langsung.

Maybe I jenis yg straightforward. Tak suka, cakap je tak suka. Takde nak tipu cakap suka (zaman uni lagi dah pupuk sifat engineer dalam diri. Bahaha). Maybe dorang nampak I selfish sebab sifat straightforward tu.

I don't blame them 100%. I'm human too. Never perfect. And time tu baru nampak siapa kawan, siapa yang tak boleh buat kawan. And yes, sampai sekarang takut nak too attached dengan orang. Macam anti sosial pun ade jugak T_T

Syamila M Noor said...

baru je experience benda's hurt me so much when i trust and value people who didn't value me the way i value them. *lap air mata*

Jαnnαhツ said...

yes sis i totally can relate to you. but i think it's the nature of women i guess. some may be soooo fakee that they will smile to your face but in actuality they hate you so much. maybe simply because women tend to run away from problem. bila tak puah hati, dia takleh nak zahirkan terus kat situ jugak sebab tu dia lebih rela mince words. kita semua experience mende ni, kat luar senyum dalam Allah je tau cumanya jangan la sampai nak jaja kisah buruk orang. kalu kita tak suka, kita pendam jelah. kalau da geram sangat gi cakap kat orang tu depan2 daripada duk buka aib orang kan. yeah time to muhasabah. thanks for the post you really took all the words out my mouth

Ashchronicles said...

I knew there must be something ehhh behind all this glitz and glamour of the sudden rise and influx of the muslim fashion industry! It's too weird for everyone to be all smiley smiley, we're-in-this-business-together-and-we're-super-happy vibe all the time. Not saying it's impossible but judging from the competition and the result at the end of the product line (which is money & fame), it must be hard to keep the competition & ukhwah as pure & clean as it should be. Just my 2 cents la.

Allah knows you can handle it kak :) Sabar separuh dr iman ^^

athirah said...

Manusia mmg macam tu kak. Pelik2 perangainya. Bertabahlah.

ibuhebat said...

Setuju dgn point no.5
Sebab dah banyak kali kena. hihi.. Sometimes kita rasa pendapat husband tak logik n tak betul. But in the end memang dia yg betul. Sebab tu Allah suruh patuh pada suami. Hihi.. InsyaAllah, semua yg berlaku pasti ada hikmahnya.. :)

Darleen (",) said...

this post really a'tamparan hebat' to me. In the past, I have no intention to backstabbed my bestfriend, but unfortunately, I did. So, we are not friends anymore, I mean we are, but not as close as what we had in the past (the sleepovers, the cries, the laughs). But, seriously, I really regret of what has happened...

So to you, memaafkan is easy but melupakan is hard as stone. I guess the best way is, if that person has put down his/her ego down to your feet, considering 2nd chance maybe? I don't know..*sigh. Because that is what I hope my friend would do..

CD said...

I have same problem too.. I jenis straightforward. tapi, xsemua orang mcm tu. Huu haaa huu haaa boleh, tapi bila tegur sikit, semua kita yang salah.. stress nya lahai. so, I decided to follow the flow and buat slumber jerrr.. orang buat baik, kita buat la baik.. orang buat jahat, kita walkaway je...

Fathanah said...

Salam Maria,

Memang susah jumpa org yg dpn ckp laen blkg ckp laen. Org yg sensitif sgt pon susah jgk. Tapi itulah dunia. Kne ada variety. So hadap jela dunia ni. Byk lg benda laen nk pk. Hehe.

ayunidati said...

assalamualaikum... itu lah kehidupan kan... manusia... hope you kuat semngat and semoga dipermudahkan segalanya dalam kehidupan ini.., aminn

Dian N said...

Hai kak.
I was in this situation, and am experiencing this now. Well I usually will go straight to their faces and solve the issue, because that's what we should do, to clear the (cloudy)water. (Cloudy pun sebab mereka yang buat booo) I usually will go and ask, "Ok, saya dengar A dan saya nak tahu kenapa awak A dengan saya" and listen to their excuses(?)/reasons and ask them for solutions, if they found it was entirely my fault (well usually, they will say it was my fault because siapa je nak mengaku kan) and accept it. Kalau diorang tak emosi, saya akan cuba counterback dengan tidak terlalu emosi. Saya buat macam tu sebab saya tak mahu mereka menyakiti saya lagi (dan lagi di kemudian hari), walaupun ya, mungkin saya yang menangis bawah katil lepastu haha.

Tapi, sejak kebelakangan ini, saya dah malas. So, mostly saya akan biar je. Because punyalah banyak benda lain saya nak kena fikirkan cth family, kerja etc so saya boleh dah ignore sikit-sikit. Tapi, yang mana agak mencabar sanubari ni, kadangkala saya jumpa je, dan dapatkan penjelasan, because I pun garongz uols, cuma tak tunjuk je. Hahahaha.

So, yeah kak.
Remember, this too shall pass.

Be strong!
May Allah bless us all.

Anasyg said...

duk depan cermin dan muhasabah diri, kita akan lebih nampak kelemahan diri, so sebelum nk hukum/nilai orang, kita akan tersedar ttg cacat/cela dan keburukan diri kita, aib kita yg Allah tutup. kalau terbukaklah aib kita ni, malu tak tertanggung. So stop judging others, and reflect on urself

Unknown said...


daena hady said...

Tutup telinga and do whatever you want to do. As long as it is the right thing for you.
Focus on what you have(family,siblings,bff?). No need to be close with fake people.

ruqayya said...

Hold to this ayah:
"Do not let their words sadden you" (Surah Yunus: 65)

When we think of the people who hurts us, it doesn't bring us anywhere. Lagipun they have so much time to do that. Kes takde kerja la ni :p Baca surah al-Insyirah banyak kali sambil tengok makna, Insya Allah lega. Lepas tu "keep moving forwarddd" (baca nada kartun Meet the Robinsons yea).

Ruqayya menulis... Cari hari kesuburan dengan OPK

Unknown said...

Assalamualaikum. I've been a reader of yours for quite some time now, maybe 2 years dah? and I've always loved reading your posts. Hehe.

Anyway, I think everyone pretty much experiences the same thing at a certain degree and I, myself have experienced this. Maybe I still am because it's really to difficult to please everybody.

Honestly it's really saddening to find out such things but I try to console myself and I'd remind myself.

"I must've done something wrong."

"Sometimes the way people treat you is the reflection of our own behaviour and how we treat others"

That hit me really hit and I came to a realization that, no matter how badly people hurt you, no matter how difficult it is. Be strong, ignore and walk away. It's okay to cry (though not in front of them).

My time in college and high school were bittersweet. I think I was also a subject of gossips but of course, usually people won't gossip about you if you don't give them something to gossip about. Because of that kind of experience, I learnt to control my mouth and tongue. I learnt not to say anything about anything or anyone.

When I got to university, Alhamdulillah things changed for the better because when my circle of friends talk about something or someone, I prefer to be quiet and just be a listener. I speak when I need to. I don't want to be in that situation anymore. I don't want to be seen as bad friend, and worse, a bad person.

Unknown said...

sabar naa kak maria...Allah uji tanda Allah syg kak maria. untung..berzikir byk2 nti hati bley cool sha Allah, syg kak maria kerana Allah ^_^

cardbymyan said...

printed paperbag & sticker, utk doorgift etc... jom tgk blog kami :)

booo said...

sabar ye kak, saya pun banyak kali kena 'tikam dari belakang' dengan orang yang saya percaya.. dari zaman sekolah sampai la masuk U, tak sudah2 lagi dengan benda tak matang macam ni. moga orang yang berbuat jahat dekat kita tu jadi penyebab kita jadi semakin kuat :) peace

sarahkaisy said...


Kita senasib... Hmmm...Sedihhhh.... Bila Kawan sendiri betray kita.. ckp mcm2 psl kita kt org lain...mmber sendiri kot.. and yg paling worse skli bila dia rosakkan friendship kita dgn org lainn... Sedihhh sgt kot... skrg saya sedar.. most of my friends, dorang rapat dgn saya bersebab... ada advantage.. once saya tak mampu nak bagi dorang benda tu, dorang dah takkan pandang kita.. plus, betray n talk behind us..

Nurhilya Damiri said...

Be strong, Kak Maria ;)
I've been through all sorts of friendships. Yeah some would sink and at times, it would float again if we know how to handle the "ship." Umm I'm not that good at motivating people since I'm gonna be 19 this year so I'm not really experienced like you ehe.

The way that I handle those who do bad to me is, I just accept what they say, because maybe what they say is true about ourselves, one way or another. But, if it gets too critical, I will just blow off and be quiet with them. But, sometimes we need to control our anger(I am trying to do this too) because not everything can be cured by anger.

Anyway, keep calm and smile Kak. Everything is gonna be alright. Have faith in Allah. May Allah bless xoxo

Unknown said...

we're in the same shoes ,akak :(

Sani said...

Insyallah. Life must goo on..Apa yang kita beri akan kita terima semula. Itulah lumrah kehidupan. Banyak memberi kebaikan...kebaikanlah yang banyak kita terima..Semoga Allah swt tabahkan hati kita menempuhi segala dugaan dan cabaran..

Quartzite said...

same goes to me kak.hee masa sekolah kadang2 sampai diorang tak perasan saya ada sekali masa diorang tengah kutuk saya and i was like. laa kau kutuk aku ke? erm ok i blah.hee and now duduk kat u semua straight forward. tak suka cakap lepas je and then ok balik.semoga kita sama2 jadi lebih kuat utk pekakkan telinga from those people hee :)