dreams

assalamualaikum wbt

i've been reading a lot of stories about people's dreams coming true lately.
macam pelik, is it a trending topic? maybe it's just a coincidence.
heee..

so, dreams.
i'm a dreamer (like everybody else), and (like everybody else) i wish they'd come true.
some dreams came true, but some did not, and some will never.

and i'm ok with that =)

one of my dreams was to become a doctor and save lives. but i know that can never come true because for one, i've already finished my degree in engineering and now pursuing masters (still) in engineering.

i dreamt of studying overseas because i want to experience being a foreigner and being independent. but that can't come true too. i'm currently studying, in malaysia..

i dreamt of being a drummer for artists like Beyonce and Michael Jackson. but i know that will never ever happen coz i can't stand the loud banging sounds and i had carpal tunnel at my wrists and it sucked. since i stopped playing, dah ok dah =)
oh and i'll never play for MJ since he's not alive and kicking now is he. =p
beyonce? she wanted me to play for her. haha! in your dreams mars. tapi memang pun. just a dream =)

there're loads more dreams i wish would come true, but i think being a doctor and studying overseas were my 2 top things i wanted but didn't get.
drumming tu memang tak aaa. tu imagination semata mata! hehehe =p
so now, after years of letting go of my dreams, i wondered why i didn't get them in the first place.

when i was in matrix, i dapat sains fizikal. i managed to change my course and got into sains hayat. but after 2 weeks of classes, i just can't go with it dah. i get bored in biology classes, i get nauseated at the thought of surgery and squirm when i see needles. how are those traits of a doctor?
i can't even draw a simple mitokondria!
(i didn't inherit mom's creative hands)
i ni dah la takde seni. cuba kalau dalam surgery, after cutting open skin sume, pastu nak jahit balik, memang kesian la patient i tu. macam frankenstein kang. haha!
and cuba kalau i nak cocok orang, nak sample darah konon, cocok je, i pengsan.
nurse sambung amik darah, i terlentang kat lantai.
terbaek! =p
and i thought, the reason why i wanted to be a doctor is ultimately coz i want to save lives. padahal as what i am now pun can save lives =) but not in the ways of a doctor la. heee..

pasal studying overseas lak, i guess i didn't get it coz it wouldn't do me good. the way i used to be, i think i akan jadi lebih rosak instead of better. coz i adapt easily and i wasn't strong in my beliefs.
i imagine if i was in a foreign country.. i probably would adapt to their lifestyle and ikut cara diorang. i think i akan lupa diri..
i thought being strong means being independent, being as far away from family as possible, but now i think being strong heavily depends on the heart.
and my heart wasn't strong dulu.

the way i see it, my dreams did come true, only differently.
i help people semana i boleh even without being a doctor
i have education, and eventhough i didn't study overseas, but dapat scroll gak

=)

but then, tipu la kalau i kata i redha with everything dulu.
when i changed course from sains hayat to sains fizikal, i was frustrated with myself. i felt like a disappointment not only to myself but to my family too.. i knew how much my parents wanted a doctor in the family. since my 2 elder brothers were already halfway through their non-medicine-related studies, i knew i was their only hope. and i knew my mom wanted me to study abroad because she missed her chance dulu.. and as much as i wanted it too, when i didn't get scholarships, there's nothing else i could do. my parents couldn't afford it, so i moved on. but the bricks of not being able to be what i dreamt of being weighed me down. i moved on, yes, but i couldn't let go.


it was recently when my friends went all over the world for work that i got this realisation. it required a lot of flashbacks and bila dah accept, i felt like all the disappointments i had for myself just dissipate into thin air. =') it's a great feeling!


Alhamdulillah syukur for everything.. Alhamdulillah for the dreams not made true. Alhamdulillah for the dreams that did made true. =)

Allah SWT knows and understands me better than anyone else. myself included.
i didn't know what's best for me, i don't know my capabilities, i don't know my weaknesses, i don't know a lot of things about myself!


but i do know i have Allah SWT to trust and choose what's best for me for Allah SWT is the best of planners =)

and so far, it's a great journey! alhamdulillah!
hope that whatever Allah swt has planned for us, we'll be able to make the best out of every opportunity given =)
in sha Allah =D

salam =)