Losing & Living

Wow lama gila tak blogging..

Already, 6 days have passed since Tokwan left.
She left on 3rd Dec 2018.

To be honest, everyone was expecting it because she has been in and out of the hospital since the beginning of the year, and has been irresponsive since november.

My mom & i even went to kelas pengurusan jenazah so that we know what to do if and when it happens.

We were all pretty prepared.

Other than Tokwan, Tokmak hasn't been well too.
My husband's grandparents too.

The oldies weren't doing so well that i got anxiety problems because of it. Not because of them, but for irrational reasons, i thought of my future: how my life will end.

My grandmas both got sick in completely different ways and it made me scared of how i'll grow old.
I thought i was living kinda ok. I don't go out much, i don't eat much nonsense, i put my effort, time & energy into Marzea and my family. So basically, i was just.. camtu la.
But i wasn't really growing.
I usually have my yearly goals, and this year, i kinda did things halfway here and there.

Alhamdulillah, i got on board again on reaching my goals.
And the thing about my goals, they don't have a time limit. I want it to be continuous, and i want to stay consistent with it. For example, reading.

I had read some books earlier this year and because i was kind of addicted to my phone, i was more on the phone than reading.
So around August, i just decided to stop instagramming because i was looking at it most of the time. And to say i gain something from looking at instagram.... no. i didn't gain much.

Then, i just stopped. Not completely, but it got to a point that i can live on without opening my ig, sometimes for weeks (till now).

I realised i had more time since i stopped snooping into other people's lives. So i started reading again and i've read so much!
I've started walking too on some mornings at the park. At least it's a free workout and i get to be around nature which really helped with my anxiety (tremendously).

I just feel like i've lived, and then i went on autopilot, and then i want to take control again.
I'm kinda annoyed that it took me so long to take the steering wheel back.. and it had to be my sick grandmas to make me see that i lost control of it.

To start is the hardest part. But once i took the step, there's no looking back.

My Tokwan had lived with my family since i was 14. She had been there during my rebellious times, my adulthood, and motherhood. She taught me read the Quran too.
She loved cooking and gardening, and she would remember to make our favourites on our birthdays.
Because of how she lived passionately, i want to live that way too.
I want to be able to live so that i can die with the knowledge that i've done everything i wanted, everything i could, and learnt as much as i could.

Alhamdulillah, i dapat mandikan & kapankan arwah tokwan with my own hands. I don't know if i've ever repaid her kindness in living, but at least i dapat berkhidmat at that moment..
Arwah tokwan didn't have daughter, cuma 2 daughter-in-laws and i was the only cucu perempuan around masa tu. But alhamdulillah, it really felt enough.

May Allah swt forgive her and accepts all her good deeds. May Allah swt place her among the solihin & sadiqin.
Al-fatihah.


Ps: So so sorry kalau you macam ???? with this post.
I pun tak tau how to properly convey my feelings huhu..