when will it stop?

yes, i know..

Allah SWT uji kita ikut keupayaan kita.

"Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: "We believe," and will not be tested."
Surah Al-Ankabut, ayat 2.

i am a believer, but i am old.

i am tired and i am losing hope.

there are days when people come to see me, there are days when i am most lonely.

my children are busy with their families, i understand.
my grandchildren are busy building their lives, i understand.

although they come and visit me from time to time, i cannot help but feel loveless and useless.

i used to cook for them, and i remember how much they loved my cooking!

it brought me joy all the time to see them eat and compliment my cooking =')

one of those things i miss most.

another, i miss my husband.

i miss him so much that i wish Allah SWT can just take my life so that i can see him and be comforted by him as how he used to do.

he left me for almost 20 years now..

seeing my grandchildren getting married, holding hands with their spouses, smiling and laughing, going out traveling..

brings back memories.

with memories, always come tears.

i love my husband so dearly and often i ask, why do i have to live so long without you?

i prayed to Allah SWT to take my life before i start being a burden to my family.

i prayed to Allah SWT that i will be rejoined with my husband in Jannah.

i prayed to Allah SWT to end my pain and suffering, not just physical.. but the heartache that never stopped.

i have lost count on times i've been in the surgery room, in the ICU, in those cold rooms where walls always threaten to shut me in forever. i had brain tumour, i had stomach ulcer, i had nerve problems, i have heart problems. it won't end.

when i was a young woman, i was always on time. but now, i have lost track of time.

one moment i was fine. i cooked, i travelled, i did many things.

next moment, i was walking with difficulty and started to rely on tongkat.

next, i was on wheelchair. 

now, i am dependent on a helper to do everything for me.

feed me, bathe me, clothe me, sit me up on a chair, lay me down on my bed, even change position while lying down.

i don't just lost track of time, i've lost interest keeping up with it.

i am a body of no function.

i can't help anyone anymore.

i can't cook.

i can't do anything.

the feeling of wonder every morning when i wake up

"is today the day Allah? the day that you will finally take me to see You and my husband?"

but when the day passes by without any medical problem, i wonder

"what else do You have planned for me that You still want me in this lifetime?"

i can't do anything.

"apa dosaku ya Allah.. what are my sins.."

no matter what people say, "sabar la..", "ini ujian Allah", "be strong", these are words of people who have not been through what i'm going through. what do they know what it's like to see yourself being cut in places? what do they know what it's like to be a living shell, not having any freedom to do what they want? what do they know about losing the people they love most, one by one? what do they know what it's like to lose their privacy? 

"moga moga panjang umur" - is a doa we wish to people on their birthdays.
now that i am this old, i see no point of having a long life if it means being a burden, being sick and helpless, being insignificant.
i told my children that it should be "moga moga hidup sihat dan bermanfaat di dunia dan akhirat", which means, no matter how long a person lives, they shall always be beneficial to others.

i've seen people with worse conditions, and i am grateful that Allah SWT does not take my memory. i am still able to pray and berzikir.

however.. it still does not make all this any easier.

i am a believer. but i am old, tired and i am losing hope.

i have been tested since i was young.

please.. when will it stop?

//cerpen saja ya. based on true stories of people i know & knew which i mashed into this story.

moga moga bermanfaat di bulan ramadhan ini, when reflections increases our understanding & faith, insha Allah.//

love your old ones. they have gone through so much.