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Sunday, January 6, 2013

pegang pegang

assalamualaikum!

well well.

i guess since i blabbed in my previous post about "tak pegang tangan husband sebelum ni" caused me so much headache because people are now questioning my sincerity.

here's the truth.

yes, i penah pegang tangan as before kita berkahwin.
we were together for 4 years, and 4 years ago i was living a life way different than now.

4 years ago saya tak berhijab.
in 2010 when i started wearing tudung, i was still not hijabbed.

hijab - to cover. and it's not just covering the aurat, tapi to cover our aurat properly. ikut syariat islam.

so imagine, for about 22 years, i was living like how i thought it's ok to live.
like those people i watched in 90210, Gossip Girl, Friends, How I Met Your Mother, in movies, and all sorts of other Hollywood stuff.
and it's not just from Hollywood. movies, series, magazines malaysia pun sama naik.
ada je nampak adegan adegan laki pompuan bergesel gesel. gambar kat magazine melayu pun ada je laki pompuan peluk peluk padahal tak kawen pun.

so me being kekurangan ilmu awal awal penghijrahan dulu, thought it's still ok to be bertudung and continue on living the same lifestyle. cuma wardrobe je tukar.
dulu i still pakai skinny jeans kot masa bertudung!

yes, memang salah.
even thinking about it buat rasa cam tembak diri sendiri. now writing about it makes me feel like puking.

but why do it?
sebab i tak mahu orang make this an issue. might as well write this out, coz it hurts me too.
sape suka bila niat kita dipersoalkan?

i'm sorry for not explaining it in detail earlier. and now, here la.

so to sambung where i left off, when i tak bertudung dulu, i did pegang pegang orang. even my guy friends pun i salam salaman tanpa perasaan geli or segan.
bila awal awal bertudung pun like that gak.
it wasn't easy kot!

i knew i did something wrong, but dulu i belajar agama sendiri sendiri. i would have a question, and then to get answers, i google about it.
so macam mana dulu, i nak point out every kekurangan i have with myself when i don't even know what is it that i lack?

contohnya.
i nak study add maths. punya i pulun nak dapat A for add maths tapi bapak la susah. rupanya sebab my basic maths pun kelam kelibut, camane kan?

it's like that with me. i cari yang atas; nak be a better person, but bila dah dig and dig, rupanya masalahnya is me yang fundamentals kelam kelibut.

so i took a huge step back and start all over. and i managed to do that because of my friends and usrah.
it was around end of 2011 i think.. tak ingat.. tapi around 2011 la when i joined usrah.

bila dah berguru, masyallah.. baru la sedar betapa lemahnya fundamental islam ku!!
baru lah tau ada ilmu ilmu lain yang i need to learn and understand! dulu tak pernah tau pun ilmu fikah tu mende. at least now tau. tak complete la of course, but i'm aware of it.

imagine changing something about yourself, a habit let's say.
let's say you have a habit of biting your nails. and you've been biting 'em since you kecik lagi.
try to stop the habit all of a sudden.
it's hard kan? some people maybe boleh stop terus at 1 point. me? i take stages. i take my pace in changing too.
sebab i tak kuat sangat pun. i wish i am, but my strength is only to a certain level je. itu pun level yang i don't know where. Allah je tau.

so in this issue of me ber pegang2 dengan asfirdaus who is now my husband, yes i pernah suatu ketika dulu. bukan dgn dia saje. tapi bukan mahram yang lain gak.
even bila dah bertudung pun pernah. bila dah dapat pemahaman and kekuatan tu, alhamdulillah satu ketika tu, i don't remember when, asfirdaus and i decided not to touch each other again.
and it seemed so long ago sampai i tak teringat zaman zaman jahiliah dulu. as if it didn't happen.

i bet people can relate. when you've got rid of something you've regretted, you'll forget it. but when the memory of it comes back, rasa cam sedih and disappointed dengan diri sendiri.
or maybe it's just me.

skang ni i'm still learning. tak pernah i make a statement that "i've done it!" or "i've successfully changed, woohoo".
skang ni masih ada masalah dengan pegang pegang ni. sebab i ada confusion ngan salam and aurat dengan the men dalam family.
i know brother in law is still bukan mahram, cousins laki pun.. tapi macam uncles, orang berumur... macam confuse confuse lagi.
sometimes for respect sake, i salam je.
dah brape kali tengok chart aurat tu, still i confuse. sebab uncle belah mak and uncle belah ayah macam lain lak syarat dia. ohhhh confuse!!!

itu yang i cakap dalam previous post:
"i honestly don't want muslim youngsters to think it's ok to hold hands bila couple couple.
if a guy can control himself from touching a girl, and a girl can control herself from menggedik with a guy, they're on the right track, in sha Allah =)
but if dah pegang dah pun, it's not too late to stop. Allah Maha Pengampun dan Maha Mengetahui, in sha Allah apa yang diniatkan di dalam hati, Dia redhai. =)

coz it's much easier when you dah start dari awal tak pegang pegang. 
like me and asfirdaus, it was a major struggle and alhamdulillah we got through it.
i just want to save people from making the same mistakes as i did. coz once it's done, it's really hard to take it back. but there's only one way to face our mistakes, that is to move forward.

ok ok anyway, sesiapa yang ada terasa ke, or don't trust me anymore, i'm truly sorry.
my past is a place i don't like to visit, what more tell people.
but to keep my heart (and yours) clean, i thought this might be best.
if it isn't... it's the only way i know how and any shortcomings is only due to my lack of knowledge and wisdom.

thank you anyway =)

La ilaha illa anta. Subhanaka, inni kuntu minazzhalimin… Tidak ada tuhan selain-Mu. Maha Suci Engkau. Sungguh, aku ini sudah berlaku zalim…

sebab betul. aku ini sudah berlaku zalim.
sama ada aku sedar atau tidak sedar, aku sudah berlaku zalim.
pada diriku, pada orang sekelilingku.

salam.


232 comments:

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merah pujangga said...

maksiat yg menimbulkan rasa hina kpd Allah dan buat kita balik kpdNya lebih baik dr taat yg melahirkan rasa megah dan takbur.

post yg jujur.tahniah! :)

Heiladies Co. said...

Salam..

Doa utk Maria.Semoga terus kuat ke arah amal ma'ruf nahi mungkar. Proud of u dear..Jemputlah singgah sini http://heiladies13.blogspot.com

Aliff Haikal said...

La ilaha illa anta. Subhanaka, inni kuntu minazzhalimin… Tidak ada tuhan selain-Mu. Maha Suci Engkau. Sungguh, aku ini sudah berlaku zalim…

Thanks kak for this sharing entry :)

N.W.I said...

i start to love n like u, =)
instead mat lutfi, u give such a good moral n input, do love it! ganbate ne~~

MsDiba said...

Subhanallah, what courage you have here to talk about your past. I once read your blog back in 2010 but I didn't quite like it so I leave, not wanting to read anymore. But I stumbled here again and I can see how you try to be better. I'm sure Allah appreciate those who struggle :) I pray that you be granted strength and support to move on and be better. Pray for me too :)

p/s: "Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future" (Oscar Wilde)

salam

fairuz mahmod said...

Salam k.maria, bila sy mule2 bc post k.maria psl xpegang tangn time couple dl sy salute sgt dgn k.maria sbb boleh buat mcm tu.sy pon mule terfikir kenapa sy xboleh buat mcm tu n sy rase mcm sy ni trok sgt sbb pnah pgg tgn laki yg bukan mahram sy.rs mcm there is no turning back for me..rs depressed sbb rs trok..then, ble sy bc post ni sy mcm lega sbb sy sedar xsemua manusia perfect n kt mampu ubah segalanya kalau kt nak dan ade keazaman tu..thanks a lot sis..May Allah bless us always!!. (^_^)

pikir kool said...

wow, u're *very* accommodative to ur readers.

LightsOfHonesty said...

Assalamualaikum kak maria :))

Hehehehe. Takpe akak, akak dah change for good ni pun kan Allah dah bagi extra extra points dah :)

Anyway, kalau ada orang nak mintak akak explain lagi detail2 pasal zaman jahiliyah akak dkt blog kan, akak jangan cerita tau. Sebab my ustaz said, kita jangan buka aib kita dulu-dulu, waktu kita jahiliyyah tentang Islam, walaupun dengan niat nak inform dekat orang.

Contoh lah kan, ada sorang ni dia dah berubah,sangat-sangat. Tetibe dia pergi post tajuk dia, "jahiliyyah aku" Dalam entri tu dia pun cerita,**aku dulu pun pakai jugak selendang kaler2 belit2 atas dada segala cara bagai. Aku dulu pun itu dan ini..Tapi itu semua dulu, kini aku telah berubah and so on..**

Ustaz kata, tak perlu pun inform orang.. Yang penting, kita dah bertaubat dan tak mahu buat. Apa perkara buruk yang dah lepas, biarkan sahaja Allah yang nilai. Update status,entri yang baik-baik. Semoga bermanfaat.

Moga Allah redha kehidupan kita yang lebih baik ni, agar Syurga itu destinasi yang pasti.

Tahniah kak maria. I love you dulu and skrg pun :) Malah lebih lebih sayang bila akak dah lebih lebih mendalami agama Islam. Semoga setiap orang yang baca blog akak akan dapat manfaat dan terdetik hati untuk berubah.. Kalau akak pun boleh, sure does orang lain pun mampu.


Heeeee <3

MariaElenaSupporters. Macam tu? haha

*we've once met,sat sebelah2..dalam surau The Curve while you were wearing your shoes. Ahakz ~

Sayang kak maria kerana Allah.

And selamat pengantin baru, moga-moga hingga ke Jannah sana nanti bersama As,anak2 dan generation..yaaa :) <3
LOVE.

Ema Rie said...

salam... i like this post... n teringat satu benda ni yang pernah dikatakan oleh seorang Ulama... "kita ni bila orang buat salah terus kita hukum dan judge orang tu macam tu macam ini... Tapi, kita sendiri buat salah hari2, lebih teruk lagi dan tak pernah rasa bersalah dengan kesalahan kita tu"... Do not point to others, but point it to yourself...

kann.. i like u maria.. happyly married ever ya... do come to my picisan blog...

WANIFIERDANI said...

Hai! :)Jom like page ni https://www.facebook.com/officialhijabcolours

Ada jual shawl yg labuh dan juga accessories :)

Terima kasih daun keladi :)

Mizz Que said...

waalaikumusalam kak maria..

very2 nice entry here...nice topic..
semua org pun ade niat nak berubah kepada yg lebih baik..dulu sy pun jahil sgt2 bab agama nie..tapi lama2 bila kita da nekad nak berubah, perlahan2 kita akan elak untuk lakukan perkara yang boleh menimbulkan fitnah or so eva..
btw...alhamdulillah bile kita sama2 ingin dan masih belajar untuk lebih mendalami ilmu agama...
InsyaAllah, segalanya akan dipermudahkan olehNya...amin...

love sista... ;)

Aen Raudah said...

Alhamdulilha~~semoga sentiase dilindungi~~amin~~

saifudin abu izzudin said...

nice day :)
hargailah hari kemaren,
mimpikanlah hari esok,
tetapi hiduplah untuk hari ini.
bagi-bagi motivasinya yaah...

dayang hidayah said...

assalamualaikum kak maria, of course pegang tngan yg bukan halal berdosa and haram, but if klu dah ada ksedaran bout this thing, then Allah is sooo forgiving.. the matter is now, u realise that it is wrong, so nvmd about the past.. and let others say what they want, but the most important is ur niat to Allah kan.. salam..btw,love ur wedding dress

Maria Elena Zarul said...

masyallah, subhanallah, alhamdulillah..

jazakallahu khairan semua for the advises and more!!

hanya Allah saja tau how touched i am by this! hanya Allah juga yang boleh membalas jasa kebaikan all of you!

thank you soo soooo much!!
i doakan terbaik utk semua =)
in sha Allah semua success dunia akhirat.

amiiin

ceritakamii said...

Assalam, serious ur entry always inspire me . thanks thanks thanks :)

maya dandelion said...

orang yg dahulunya byk buat silap atau jahiliyah,then berusaha bersungguh2 nak berubah ikut kemampuan dia, kdg2 kesabaran dan pengorbanan insan2 ini lebih besar drp org yg mmg dibesarkan dr kecik dgn suasana islamic.sgt respekkkk dgn insan2 yg sgt yakin yg Allah tu Maha Penyayang :')

miszsnowgurlz said...

sy da lama follow blog maria ni...lau blogwalking msti singah baca post baru ....dulu masa mula2 sy follow maria sy rasa xsuka dgn maria ni sbb nampak gedik n mgada2...tak pernah sekali pun rasanya sy drop komen, sy cuma baca je...bila sy tgk semua vblog maria baru sy tau penilaian sy trhadap maria sebelum ni xbetul..tiap org ada perangai masing2 dan maria seorng yg gegila bukannya gedik...harini bila sy baca post ni sy rasa btl2 trsentuh..sy btl2 yakin yg sy btl2 salah menilai maria sblum ni...maria jauh lebih baik dari sy...xsemua org mampu buat mcm maria..

fasiihah jasni said...

Kak maria :') THANK YOU for pointing this out. xpe kak. No matter what they said bukan diaorang yang pandang usaha kita dan paling penting BUKAN diaorang yang bagi pahala! tapi ALLAH. kan?

thanks again :')
*si tinggi & budakbasah di K-Fiqh*

Adlina Mahadi 98 said...

Same like me. My family hidup sosial sikit, even pakai tdung tapi kadang dorang cakap I buang tebiat nak tutup aurat kemain. Cousin laki pun camtu ah. Sometimes my mum marah bila I x salam pdahal dia bukan muhrim ngn I pun. Im trying to avoid that without hurts my mum's feeling. Solat pun kdang2 x diendahkan, I baru pkai tdung and start nk tutup aurat smpurna ni sejak ramadhan 2012. Kwn2 byklah bagi support. Tapi kdang rasa sdih, I klau nak beli baju pun I beli yg besar2 n longgar, when my family asked why I ambik baju cam tu, I just ckp I dah makin gemuk n nnti mesti smakin gemuk sbb byk makan. Pdahal bukan tu pun sbb dia. Sbb klau I ckap betul2 yg I nk jadi muslimah yg taat smua, my parents akn buat muka annoyed. I slalu berdoa agar my family and I dpt hidayah Allah dan petunjuk ke arah jalan yg benar just like you Kak Maria. <3

Farhana Hameed said...

nice entry kak Maria! btw, selamat pengantin baru. ^^

Seneorita Baharin said...

may Allah bless u sis..really nice entry...

Nyimas Norizan said...

love u sis :)

fifimieka said...

assalamualaikum..act adik tak pandai sangat la bab agama ni.tapi apa yang atok adik cakap, uncle sebelah ayah kita boleh salam.but only siblings from your dad.bukan adik ipar lelaki atau abang ipar lelaki..adik beradik lelaki yang lahir dari rahim yang sama dengan ayah kakak.sebab diorang boleh jadi wali dalam pernikahan kita.tapi kalau uncle sebelah mak, kita tak boleh sentuh atau salam sebab memang bukan muhrim.diorang tak boleh jadi wali.same goes dgn aurat.bila depan cousin lelaki or uncle yang dr sebelah mak, auratnya sama antara kita dengan lelaki bukan mahram.itu yang adik tau and adik faham la..harap berguna untuk akak :)
n rasanya tak lambat untuk wish selamat pengantin baru :)

Young Voice said...

hey sister..
39:53 :)

HabibahSRamli said...

salam dear sis :)

hope kita sama-sama jumpe di jannah . slmt berjuang di medan kamu ** hehe

Nur Mudrikah said...

nak buat benda baik memang banyak dugaannya kak maria. papepun all da best :)

makin dekat kita dengan Allah, makin banyak dugaannya

sayidah napisah said...

subhanallah..hidayah ALLAH. bila2 je ALLAH boleh campak ke dalam hati hamba-Nya yang dikehendaki-Nya. alhamdulillah :)

Azham Vsvc said...

This is a good read! Alhamdulillah that I stopped by your blog Maria!

kuroneko said...

I used to not fond of you, but when i read a couple of your entries that some people suggest, it changed. It's really good that you changing to the better side. you're strong maria elena!!

x semua orang sempurna, tapi semua orang boleh berusaha untuk jadi lebih baik makin baik.

btw,pasal aurat dgn pacik2 tu, belah ayah n mak sama je, asal pacik tu adik beradik mak atau ayah, dia mahram, boleh salam. Tp kalau pacik tu asalnye stranger yang kawen dgn adik beradik mak atau ayah, baru xboleh salam, kena tutup aurat. ^^ hope this help ..

Mrs.Vamp said...

Assalamualaikum, kak maria, boleh follow twitter sye tak? i need to DM u and ask you bout something. something similar like this. @nurulhusnav hope kak maria follow :)

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