pegang pegang

assalamualaikum!

well well.

i guess since i blabbed in my previous post about "tak pegang tangan husband sebelum ni" caused me so much headache because people are now questioning my sincerity.

here's the truth.

yes, i penah pegang tangan as before kita berkahwin.
we were together for 4 years, and 4 years ago i was living a life way different than now.

4 years ago saya tak berhijab.
in 2010 when i started wearing tudung, i was still not hijabbed.

hijab - to cover. and it's not just covering the aurat, tapi to cover our aurat properly. ikut syariat islam.

so imagine, for about 22 years, i was living like how i thought it's ok to live.
like those people i watched in 90210, Gossip Girl, Friends, How I Met Your Mother, in movies, and all sorts of other Hollywood stuff.
and it's not just from Hollywood. movies, series, magazines malaysia pun sama naik.
ada je nampak adegan adegan laki pompuan bergesel gesel. gambar kat magazine melayu pun ada je laki pompuan peluk peluk padahal tak kawen pun.

so me being kekurangan ilmu awal awal penghijrahan dulu, thought it's still ok to be bertudung and continue on living the same lifestyle. cuma wardrobe je tukar.
dulu i still pakai skinny jeans kot masa bertudung!

yes, memang salah.
even thinking about it buat rasa cam tembak diri sendiri. now writing about it makes me feel like puking.

but why do it?
sebab i tak mahu orang make this an issue. might as well write this out, coz it hurts me too.
sape suka bila niat kita dipersoalkan?

i'm sorry for not explaining it in detail earlier. and now, here la.

so to sambung where i left off, when i tak bertudung dulu, i did pegang pegang orang. even my guy friends pun i salam salaman tanpa perasaan geli or segan.
bila awal awal bertudung pun like that gak.
it wasn't easy kot!

i knew i did something wrong, but dulu i belajar agama sendiri sendiri. i would have a question, and then to get answers, i google about it.
so macam mana dulu, i nak point out every kekurangan i have with myself when i don't even know what is it that i lack?

contohnya.
i nak study add maths. punya i pulun nak dapat A for add maths tapi bapak la susah. rupanya sebab my basic maths pun kelam kelibut, camane kan?

it's like that with me. i cari yang atas; nak be a better person, but bila dah dig and dig, rupanya masalahnya is me yang fundamentals kelam kelibut.

so i took a huge step back and start all over. and i managed to do that because of my friends and usrah.
it was around end of 2011 i think.. tak ingat.. tapi around 2011 la when i joined usrah.

bila dah berguru, masyallah.. baru la sedar betapa lemahnya fundamental islam ku!!
baru lah tau ada ilmu ilmu lain yang i need to learn and understand! dulu tak pernah tau pun ilmu fikah tu mende. at least now tau. tak complete la of course, but i'm aware of it.

imagine changing something about yourself, a habit let's say.
let's say you have a habit of biting your nails. and you've been biting 'em since you kecik lagi.
try to stop the habit all of a sudden.
it's hard kan? some people maybe boleh stop terus at 1 point. me? i take stages. i take my pace in changing too.
sebab i tak kuat sangat pun. i wish i am, but my strength is only to a certain level je. itu pun level yang i don't know where. Allah je tau.

so in this issue of me ber pegang2 dengan asfirdaus who is now my husband, yes i pernah suatu ketika dulu. bukan dgn dia saje. tapi bukan mahram yang lain gak.
even bila dah bertudung pun pernah. bila dah dapat pemahaman and kekuatan tu, alhamdulillah satu ketika tu, i don't remember when, asfirdaus and i decided not to touch each other again.
and it seemed so long ago sampai i tak teringat zaman zaman jahiliah dulu. as if it didn't happen.

i bet people can relate. when you've got rid of something you've regretted, you'll forget it. but when the memory of it comes back, rasa cam sedih and disappointed dengan diri sendiri.
or maybe it's just me.

skang ni i'm still learning. tak pernah i make a statement that "i've done it!" or "i've successfully changed, woohoo".
skang ni masih ada masalah dengan pegang pegang ni. sebab i ada confusion ngan salam and aurat dengan the men dalam family.
i know brother in law is still bukan mahram, cousins laki pun.. tapi macam uncles, orang berumur... macam confuse confuse lagi.
sometimes for respect sake, i salam je.
dah brape kali tengok chart aurat tu, still i confuse. sebab uncle belah mak and uncle belah ayah macam lain lak syarat dia. ohhhh confuse!!!

itu yang i cakap dalam previous post:
"i honestly don't want muslim youngsters to think it's ok to hold hands bila couple couple.

if a guy can control himself from touching a girl, and a girl can control herself from menggedik with a guy, they're on the right track, in sha Allah =)

but if dah pegang dah pun, it's not too late to stop. Allah Maha Pengampun dan Maha Mengetahui, in sha Allah apa yang diniatkan di dalam hati, Dia redhai. =)

coz it's much easier when you dah start dari awal tak pegang pegang. 

like me and asfirdaus, it was a major struggle and alhamdulillah we got through it.

i just want to save people from making the same mistakes as i did. coz once it's done, it's really hard to take it back. but there's only one way to face our mistakes, that is to move forward.

ok ok anyway, sesiapa yang ada terasa ke, or don't trust me anymore, i'm truly sorry.
my past is a place i don't like to visit, what more tell people.
but to keep my heart (and yours) clean, i thought this might be best.
if it isn't... it's the only way i know how and any shortcomings is only due to my lack of knowledge and wisdom.

thank you anyway =)

La ilaha illa anta. Subhanaka, inni kuntu minazzhalimin… Tidak ada tuhan selain-Mu. Maha Suci Engkau. Sungguh, aku ini sudah berlaku zalim…

sebab betul. aku ini sudah berlaku zalim.
sama ada aku sedar atau tidak sedar, aku sudah berlaku zalim.
pada diriku, pada orang sekelilingku.

salam.