To You is the return (of all)

Assalamualaikum =)

Umrah was an amazing experience.
i would love to go there again and again and again!
i'd love to go there with my (future) husband, and if Allah wills, my children, my grandchildren and so forth.

we went to Madinah first, my family and I, then we went to Makkah and lastly to Istanbul.

Madinah and Makkah was of course for the Umrah and Istanbul, for a short holiday =)

Masjid An Nabawi and Masjid Al Haram.. I miss these Masjids already..
the first time ever i felt so close to Nabi Muhammad SAW and Allah SWT.
the first time ever my heart beats in zikir.
the first time ever my brain resets itself from internet, social, and all the worldly desires, to only thinking of my relationship with Him.

i was scared. i takde la warak mana. i bukan nak cakap i pergi Umrah, i jadi gila warak sampai i can only think of Him.
i had so much thoughts and mostly, i had so much regrets and concerns.

i was embarrassed to be so close to Him and The Prophet Muhammad SAW.. remembering how i was and what i am now, i still find so many things about myself that are shameful. will i ever get His approval? what have i done to make Nabi Muhammad SAW proud of me being his follower?

i have so much to learn.
ilmu di dada, memang tak cukup. knowledge i gained from university and school days dissipates into nothingness when i looked at Kaabah.
to me, my knowledge in Islam is only as big as my little finger.
how can i not be embarrassed?

so when i was there, in these beautiful Masjids, when i saw Kaabah, i kept crying and crying.
Allah SWT blessed us with so many great amazing awesome things, and it's high time to contribute back.

at the age of 24 (soon to be 25), i am still in that identity-searching period.
i don't know if that's normal.
sometimes i just wish someone can just talk to me, point me to my direction and guide me through.
tapi, kalau it's that easy, then i won't have experiences to share kan?

that's why i kept crying when i was there.
that's why i only had Him in mind.

baru i tahu yang i tak tahu apa apa pun.




Ya Allah yang Maha Esa..
Ampun.. and Thank You.
=')