confession: i am quite an impatient person.
when i dig deep within myself, i found that the thing i hate most, is waiting. no matter what form.
sometimes when waiting gets to my nerves, i get angry.
and when i'm angry, astaghfirullahalazim..
it's very disappointing.
i used to ask myself "why is it that you can change your outlook, change your lifestyle and whatnot, but you can't be patient and control your temper?" everytime after i've done something stupid because i was too impatient. that's the thing about me. i know i need to chill, to sabar and calm down, but the next time, the same cycle will happen again.
Allah Maha Adil.
He knows i am an impatient person, so He tests me by letting me handle the most impatient client. i felt harassed almost everyday by the number of calls, emails and texts that i almost always lost my temper. since i can't just throw my tantrum at work (don't want my colleagues and bosses to think i'm unprofessional), i let it out by throwing rocks, slamming my car door (as if that helps! pfft), and what's worse, sometimes, i would let some cursing slip off of my tongue after talking or replying my client's email.
in hopes that it could make me feel better.
it doesn't and never did. but i do it anyway =\
then one day, not long ago, i did solat jemaah isyak in a masjid near my workplace. on the second rakaat, the imam's mic's volume went lower and lower thus causing the imam to recite the surahs louder so that we could all hear him. but i couldn't hear him anyway.. 'cause of that, my mind started to wander. i started thinking about the most random things and then suddenly i realised the imam dah rukuk. so of course i followed. then i thought to myself, "ya Allah, sorry ek.. apasal la i tak kuat iman ni.. i hope You can wait for me (to be beriman enough)".
it was like a tight slap given across my face as i stood for qiyam..
how dare i.. how dare i ask Allah swt to wait for me, whereas i couldn't even wait for others?
how can i ask Allah, The Almighty, to be patient with me, when i can't with others?
how dare i ask Allah, The Giver of Life and Giver of Death, to wait for me to be a better person, as if i'm the one who gets to decide when i want to die?
i cried while praying that time.
and when i read Surah Al-fatihah, fresh tears streamed down my face.
Surah Al- fatihah:
Alhamdulillahi rabbil 'aalamin (All praise and thanks are Allah's, the Lord of the Alamin - mankind, jinn & all that exists)
Ar-rahman ir-raheem (The Most Gracious, the Most Merciful)
Maaliki yawm id-deen (The Only Owner (and the Only Ruling Judge) of the Day of Recompense)
Iyaaka na'budu waiyaka nasta'een (You (alone) we worship, and You (alone) we ask for help - for each and everything)
Ihdina ssirat al-mustaqeem (Guide us to the Straight Way)
Siraat alladheena an'amta 'alayhim, ghairil maghdoobi 'alayhim wa lad-daleen (The Way of those on whom you have bestowed Your Grace, not the way of those who earned Your Anger, nor of those who went astray)
my life could be taken away whenever He pleases, and there i was, asking Him to wait.
"how dare you.." i kept saying to myself.. indeed. how dare me..
i'm sharing this side of me which i'm ashamed of to those of you reading this.. and i'm sharing it because i know there are some people who share this same problem. we're only human. we make mistakes, and we're far from perfect. but it's time to change.. we'll never know if we have a 'tomorrow'.
so here's my new year's resolution. instead of a list of things that i want to do, i only have one thing that i need to do.
i need to be patient.
to be patient when doa, performing prayers, listening to others, eating, executing tasks, basically everything and anything. insyAllah..
"..But if you remain patient and become Al-Muttaqun (the pious), not the least harm will their cunning do to you."
Surah Hud (11:115);
"And be patient, verily, Allah wastes not the reward of the good-doers."
Guide us to the Straight Way