i remember how the first few days of wearing tudung, i didn't know how to belit the selendangs so that it doesn't move. i remember the struggle and the long process of trying to belit my shawls nicely. it was a challenge even, to make my friends treat me indifferently from before. of course, i understand some of them feel they can't talk about certain subjects with me anymore because of my 'new appearance'.
the thing is, i am still the same person.
maybe i have changed, i don't know. but whatever it is, i only pray the changes are for the better.
anyway, after asyik fail je pakai tudung belit even while watching tutorials on youtube, i've decided to just wear it as comfortably as i can, ignoring the trend then. soon after that, i made that video tutorial.
but i realised after how i was 'bashed' in youtube and my blog, i did not cover my aurat properly.
some comments hurt me to the core and made me depressed too for a while because i couldn't understand ; i pakai tudung ni, lagi ramai nak condemn condemn. bila i free hair bukan main orang suka dress i la, suka rambut la, etc etc. aurat yang i dulu suka nak tunjuk, takde lak orang marah. skang dah tutup, ramai lak nak comment. aneh kan?
that did not stop me from making videos though and after several videos, i admit, i terhanyut. i was noob then. i was overwhelmed with the attention i got from my videos that i got over my head. lagi lagi after the scarflets. we got called for photoshoots, we received invitations to events, and all that jazz. in the beginning, it was very exciting. but alas, it's very misleading..
at one point, dato' gave me a 'reality check'. he made me think, and he made me realise how i've strayed from my intention.
to be closer to Allah SWT.
so i'm taking myself into that direction again. however, some damages has been done.
i notice more and more hijabers are into photoshoots. i notice that photographers have 'muslimah photoshoot' or sewaktu dengannya. i realise there are contests in facebook yang the grand prize mesti ada 'photoshoot'. and then, the participants mesti ada yang gambar memang dari photoshoot ngan photographer mana entah siap watermark kat picture tu kan. and i notice some proudly call themselves 'model muslimah'.
kalau nak ikutkan definition 'muslimah', it means a muslim woman. regardless of the person being a hijaber or not, a muslim woman is a muslim woman.
but for some reason, in this generation, muslimah immediately means a hijaber. aneh.
i myself am a woman, so i know and completely understand the need to look good as a hijaber (especially) because dressing up and being covered from head to toe is not as easy as those who choose not to be covered. so it's like a challenge kan.
don't have to be in denial la..
everyone have that "i nak nampak lawa" moments. even guys (hehee!). so when i said "some damages has been done", i meant that, in one way or another, i had probably encouraged hijabers to think fashion and photoshoots are.. good..
i used to make statements like "who says muslim women can't dress up? who says women with hijab can't model?".
now i feel like slapping myself, because it should be "i wear the hijab, i cover myself up, because i am a muslim". i should respect the hijab for what it represents and not make it seem like its just a cloth on my head like an accessory.
the purpose of hijab is to cover our aurat and wearing it makes it obvious to everyone that we are muslim whereas dressing up, wearing make up, looking pretty basically is only for our self-satisfaction.
and in my opinion, it's not wrong to want to look good. not at all.
it's not wrong to like photoshoots or whatever self-vanity related activities.
fashion is fun to follow too, i get it, but it's making us lose focus.
for example, we go online and we look at lookbook to know what's the latest trends. we get inspired, we hurriedly head on to a shopping mall or blogshop and hang around looking for that piece of clothing we pictured. then we spend money. sometimes distracted punya pasal, solat tak khusyuk. sometimes nak sangat baju tu, sampai solat pun tinggal. the same goes to modelling.
fashion becomes an obsession. modelling becomes a passion.
beautification becomes a necessity.
muka bogel takde eyeliner pun dah rasa resah. dapat gambar photoshoot, rasa bangga sampai upload merata-rata (blog, tumblr, facebook, twitter, etc) expecting people to tell you how good you're looking. parallel to that, jadi riak, and riak is salah satu attributes yang Allah SWT hina.
*slaps myself real hard*
how la like that?
what will happen if the younger generations who wears the hijab terjebak with all this craze and influenced by it, thinking that looking good, being fashionable and photoshoots are more important than learning/improving? how about when they start to crave for fame?
i worry that they will spend more energy on being beautiful and getting noticed, hence become more materialistic and self-obsessed than they should be, forgetting the fact that whatever were given naturally, are blessings from Allah SWT.
then what's the reason of wearing the hijab? what happened to 'modesty'?
nak cantik, boleh. nak fashionable, boleh. nak buat pape pun, boleh.
tapi dalam Islam, it's best to keep everything in moderation.
i apologise deeply if ever i made you think that hijab is a fashion statement..
it's a religious statement.
if i can go back to the past, i would give my noob self a good flying kick!
and i apologise if in this post, i offended anyone. it's not my intention to attack anyone (directly or indirectly) but it is mine to share my observations and experiences.
and here's a friendly reminder:
ps: i hope i made sense throughout this post.. coz i'm writing without planning. straight from the heart la camtu. sedih dengan diri sendiri and sedih dengan apa dah jadi ngan dunia hijab. and again i'm sorry.
pps: those of you who questions my niat, siap nak i prove myself ("actions speaks louder than words" etc etc), know that i don't have any obligation nor intention to prove anything to anyone. i only want to change for Allah SWT to see, for He is All Seer and we, i'm afraid, are not. please don't judge me from what i've written. thank you for your support/encouragement! ='D