Assalamualaikum~
Huuhhhh... It has been a while since i last blogged.
I tried blogging more often, but somehow i couldn't get the time to sit and type away relaxedly.
I'd rather just be with my kids and do whatever i need to with them, because whenever they see me at the computer, they'd do anything to make it stressful for me bahahhaahaaa!
And then there's that.
Family vs Friends vs What I Really Want To Do.
A few days ago on June 9th 2017, a dear friend of mine, Shea Rasol, has passed on.. It was heart breaking..
Last year, at our regular yearly preloved ramadhan sale, she told me she had stabbing pains in her stomach area and back then, she suspected it was batu karang. Then after a few weeks, i texted her asking how she was doing and that was when she told me she was diagnosed with cancer. She had urachal cancer, a rare type..
Of course i was devastated..
I kept asking if i could go meet her but because of her chemotherapy, and then her health & strength was sliding, i knew she wasn't looking for time to lepak. She was using her time to get closer to Allah and i completely respect that.
But then, still.. I feel so guilty.. For not texting her more and MAKE her see me. Haha!
Do you know that one person (or many, idk) yang macam tak kisah orang tu kisah ke tak, aku nak jumpa aku jumpa gak. <- this person don't live with regrets and i admire this kind of person.
Now nak regret pun buat apa kan.. Tapi at least i am glad that i did do something for her. I gave her a "Comfort Kit" which were Typo stuff: bantal, notebook & a heart badge because that's her brand. Her sister told me that she used the bantal so that made me feel a little less guilty. I do wish i did see her though when she was healthier. Macam takde rezeki sebab bila pergi hantar the comfort kit, she wasn't home.. Oh well.
I went to see her everyday since she was admitted in the hospital after we got the message that she collapsed. I had to leave my kids with hubs and sometimes my mom when i went and itupun boleh buat i rasa guilty for my kids and my mom..
And on the day of her passing, i missed her by a few minutes je.. My husband drove me to the hospital with the kids, and when i got the news, sebab dah dalam kereta and dah gerak dah, so tak dapat nak patah balik..
So macam sedih gila. I never cried so hard for many days, for so long..
However, mashaAllah, subhanallah, alhamdulillah.. She was loved by so many that on the day of her perkebumian, the masjid was filled with people praying for her! Made me feel so awed that this person is actually a friend of mine and i felt soooo honoured and grateful to know such a person. Allah truly has chosen someone super special, that she left in the holiest month and on a Friday, and gave her time to repent and get closer to Him. =')
May Allah accepts all her good deeds, erased her sins and elevates her rank in the Heavens, inshaAllah.. Al fatihah for arwah Farah Syahirah..
So..
At the state she was in when i saw her, i felt angry at myself.
I deeply love my family, yes, but i love my sanity too. And i thought i've been doing what i've wanted all this while, but when this happened, i realised that i haven't done anything out of my comfort zone since i had my kids.
Nadrah & Isaac can be a handful when we're in public places. They somehow can drain my mental and physical energy in 30minutes when we're out. Sebab i ni memang selalu alone with the kids doing grocery shopping, or whatever, kadang kadang masa tengah makan ke, tengah shopping ke, tengah something la, dan dan je masa tu nadrah nak shishi, pastu isaac terberak. Pastu kita berlari lari ke tandas =')
I always have to be stern with nadrah because she likes to run around, so imagine kalau bawak kenduri kawen or majlis, aduih.. poning den. And when she throws tantrums, it's like dunia ni dah tonggang terbalik. Isaac lak dah start tanak duduk diam. So rather than going through all this kerenah, sakit hati, sakit mental dan sakit jiwa raga, i just avoid going to gatherings and stuff especially if i need to bring the kids along, which is like yeah: All. The. Time.
Housewife/StayAtHomeMom/WorkAtHomeMom camtu la gayanya. For me la.
If i can go cuckoo with my own kids, i can't imagine how they drive my mom craycray too. That's why i feel guilty whenever i had to leave them with me madre..
I remember how that one day, we were eating at a restaurant, and our kids were going all out tantrum: nadrah nak something, tak dapat, then nangis. We gave in to her to make her quiet but she still went at it. Isaac lak tak sedap duduk, nak jalan, letak dalam baby chair mengamuk, bila dukung, dia tolak tolak ("kang aku lepas, jatuh, nangis. aku kena marah suami lak.. aduduuhhh"), and then i don't remember who, one of them just pushed a cup and habis tumpah air pastu orang macam "*inhaled* huuuhhhh!".
And hubs and i looked around, and we both macam "kenapa budak budak lain sume okay je? Boleh duduk diam, makan tertib, relax?".
Then we looked at our kids and the mess they made.
At that moment, i remember, i really really felt drained and held back my tears.
Baru 4 years being a parent and i have tried so many "tips & tricks" on how to handle kids and nurture them and still, i feel like nothing worked.
Now that i've lost 2 friends, i know i need to change something.
I need a nanny.
Ok tak la. Haha! I need to buck up and just face it with the kids. Whether they drive me crazy, breaking my back and shoulders, i need to stop making them an excuse to not do things i want.
I don't know how yet and i need to figure that out.
I do not want to regret the missed opportunities.
If you have some kind of same experience as me, please do share your tips & tricks kot kot maybe i tak try lagi ke... Or like share your advices on how you manage your (hyper?) kids when you guys are out in public places?
Or maybe since it's zaman technology, instead of going to places, i should bring places to me? Using facetime or skype or whatever? Tetiba bagi idea kat diri sendiri bahahahaha!
In all seriousness, if you have any advice on not missing out while being an acting-single-parent, please do share.
.... i love me too, and my families, and my friends, and all you readers...
(help)
Huuhhhh... It has been a while since i last blogged.
I tried blogging more often, but somehow i couldn't get the time to sit and type away relaxedly.
I'd rather just be with my kids and do whatever i need to with them, because whenever they see me at the computer, they'd do anything to make it stressful for me bahahhaahaaa!
And then there's that.
Family vs Friends vs What I Really Want To Do.
A few days ago on June 9th 2017, a dear friend of mine, Shea Rasol, has passed on.. It was heart breaking..
Last year, at our regular yearly preloved ramadhan sale, she told me she had stabbing pains in her stomach area and back then, she suspected it was batu karang. Then after a few weeks, i texted her asking how she was doing and that was when she told me she was diagnosed with cancer. She had urachal cancer, a rare type..
Of course i was devastated..
The last time i saw her was actually at that preloved sale last year. *cries*
I kept asking if i could go meet her but because of her chemotherapy, and then her health & strength was sliding, i knew she wasn't looking for time to lepak. She was using her time to get closer to Allah and i completely respect that.
But then, still.. I feel so guilty.. For not texting her more and MAKE her see me. Haha!
Do you know that one person (or many, idk) yang macam tak kisah orang tu kisah ke tak, aku nak jumpa aku jumpa gak. <- this person don't live with regrets and i admire this kind of person.
Now nak regret pun buat apa kan.. Tapi at least i am glad that i did do something for her. I gave her a "Comfort Kit" which were Typo stuff: bantal, notebook & a heart badge because that's her brand. Her sister told me that she used the bantal so that made me feel a little less guilty. I do wish i did see her though when she was healthier. Macam takde rezeki sebab bila pergi hantar the comfort kit, she wasn't home.. Oh well.
I went to see her everyday since she was admitted in the hospital after we got the message that she collapsed. I had to leave my kids with hubs and sometimes my mom when i went and itupun boleh buat i rasa guilty for my kids and my mom..
And on the day of her passing, i missed her by a few minutes je.. My husband drove me to the hospital with the kids, and when i got the news, sebab dah dalam kereta and dah gerak dah, so tak dapat nak patah balik..
So macam sedih gila. I never cried so hard for many days, for so long..
However, mashaAllah, subhanallah, alhamdulillah.. She was loved by so many that on the day of her perkebumian, the masjid was filled with people praying for her! Made me feel so awed that this person is actually a friend of mine and i felt soooo honoured and grateful to know such a person. Allah truly has chosen someone super special, that she left in the holiest month and on a Friday, and gave her time to repent and get closer to Him. =')
May Allah accepts all her good deeds, erased her sins and elevates her rank in the Heavens, inshaAllah.. Al fatihah for arwah Farah Syahirah..
You are sorely missed.
So..
At the state she was in when i saw her, i felt angry at myself.
Kenapa i had to see her in this circumstance? Kenapa masa masa macam ni baru dapat jumpa my friends? Kenapa i tak just do what i want to do, regardless how my kids are? Kenapa i keep making my family like my barrier from doing things i want, going wherever i want and meeting people i care about?
I deeply love my family, yes, but i love my sanity too. And i thought i've been doing what i've wanted all this while, but when this happened, i realised that i haven't done anything out of my comfort zone since i had my kids.
Nadrah & Isaac can be a handful when we're in public places. They somehow can drain my mental and physical energy in 30minutes when we're out. Sebab i ni memang selalu alone with the kids doing grocery shopping, or whatever, kadang kadang masa tengah makan ke, tengah shopping ke, tengah something la, dan dan je masa tu nadrah nak shishi, pastu isaac terberak. Pastu kita berlari lari ke tandas =')
I always have to be stern with nadrah because she likes to run around, so imagine kalau bawak kenduri kawen or majlis, aduih.. poning den. And when she throws tantrums, it's like dunia ni dah tonggang terbalik. Isaac lak dah start tanak duduk diam. So rather than going through all this kerenah, sakit hati, sakit mental dan sakit jiwa raga, i just avoid going to gatherings and stuff especially if i need to bring the kids along, which is like yeah: All. The. Time.
Housewife/StayAtHomeMom/WorkAtHomeMom camtu la gayanya. For me la.
If i can go cuckoo with my own kids, i can't imagine how they drive my mom craycray too. That's why i feel guilty whenever i had to leave them with me madre..
I remember how that one day, we were eating at a restaurant, and our kids were going all out tantrum: nadrah nak something, tak dapat, then nangis. We gave in to her to make her quiet but she still went at it. Isaac lak tak sedap duduk, nak jalan, letak dalam baby chair mengamuk, bila dukung, dia tolak tolak ("kang aku lepas, jatuh, nangis. aku kena marah suami lak.. aduduuhhh"), and then i don't remember who, one of them just pushed a cup and habis tumpah air pastu orang macam "*inhaled* huuuhhhh!".
And hubs and i looked around, and we both macam "kenapa budak budak lain sume okay je? Boleh duduk diam, makan tertib, relax?".
Then we looked at our kids and the mess they made.
At that moment, i remember, i really really felt drained and held back my tears.
Baru 4 years being a parent and i have tried so many "tips & tricks" on how to handle kids and nurture them and still, i feel like nothing worked.
Now that i've lost 2 friends, i know i need to change something.
I need a nanny.
Ok tak la. Haha! I need to buck up and just face it with the kids. Whether they drive me crazy, breaking my back and shoulders, i need to stop making them an excuse to not do things i want.
I don't know how yet and i need to figure that out.
I do not want to regret the missed opportunities.
If you have some kind of same experience as me, please do share your tips & tricks kot kot maybe i tak try lagi ke... Or like share your advices on how you manage your (hyper?) kids when you guys are out in public places?
Or maybe since it's zaman technology, instead of going to places, i should bring places to me? Using facetime or skype or whatever? Tetiba bagi idea kat diri sendiri bahahahaha!
In all seriousness, if you have any advice on not missing out while being an acting-single-parent, please do share.
I love my children. I love my children. I love my children.
I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
=')
(help)
